


(This Isn't) The Timeline You Were Looking For

by kitkatt0430



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Issues, Bisexual Cisco, Cisco dealing with depression, Cisco is questioning his gender as maybe demi-boy or genderfluid or really he has no idea yet, Cisco isn't really straight, Coming Out, Earth-19 society expanded on some, Hartley has anxiety, Hartley is tired of having crushes on straight guys, Internalized Biphobia, Internalized Queerphobia, M/M, Minor Cisco Ramon/Cindy Reynolds, Now with more Hartley, Queer Themes, alternate season 3, and about sexual orientations, and how questioning is valid, and that labels aren't meant to be yardsticks, because he'd only ever crushed on one guy before, but also calling out that its a slur, but its not the primary ship so it doesn't get relationship tagging, but now he's got feelings for Hartley, dealing with grief, dealing with mental health issues, discussions about gender, especially when you're the one feeling them, feelings can be super difficult to parse, he's just worried that no one would accept him as bi, since that is Cythia's code name, the only opinion that should matter when choosing a label is your own, therapy is a useful mental health tool, use of the term Gypsy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-09-29 01:29:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 37,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17193920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitkatt0430/pseuds/kitkatt0430
Summary: Hartley is used to a status quo where Cisco doesn't make time for him outside of work but Caitlin watches classic movies with him occasionally on weekends and Barry trades book recommendations with him all the time.  And then Dante dies, the epic bro-ship of Cisco/Barry appears to be sinking and suddenly the status quo has changed because Cisco?Cisco has started hanging out with Hartley all the time.Of course, you can't keep a good friendship down.  Hartley knows this and even wants Cisco and Barry to be friends again.  Even if that means Cisco has no more time for Hartley again.Even if it means Hartley's heart gets stomped on.





	1. Hartley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive!!!!!! But also studiously ignoring my WiPs for the moment.

This was... not the normal state of things.

That was literally all Hartley could think as he followed Cisco into the engineer's place for the first time since Hartley had gotten his own apartment shortly after the singularity. He'd been couch surfing between Joe, Cisco, and Caitlin's homes before landing the fairly nice one-bedroom apartment and though the others had been to Hartley's place a couple of times, Hartley had only been back to Joe and Caitlin's places since moving in.

Though he'd gotten along fairly well with Cisco during the couch surfing months (and hadn't that been a shock for everyone?), the two of them hadn't been friends. Not really. In fact, Hartley wasn't really friends with any of them and when Team Flash had finally reformed, Hartley had considered very carefully the option of staying on at Mercury Labs and just... leaving the whole vigilante business behind. He'd come up with a list of pros and cons that weighed heavily on the side of Mercury Labs being the right choice. But... irrational as it was, he still wanted to stick it out with STAR Labs anyway. He ended up shredding the lists and flipping a coin... which then rolled under the couch. So he just went with his gut feeling and joined Caitlin in annoying Dr. McGee with the decision to leave Mercury Labs to go back to STAR.

(Caitlin had seemed grateful not to have to deal with Dr. McGee's gaze of disappointment all on her own.)

Afterwards, Hartley seemed to connect fairly well with Caitlin and Barry. Caitlin shared Hartley's secret love of cheesy movies from the sixties, seventies, and eighties while Barry had similar tastes in books so the two were constantly giving each other reading recommendations. But... Hartley couldn't seem to get anywhere with Cisco. They worked together just fine and Cisco always seemed pleased when Hartley got all his sci-fi references and responded in kind... yet they never hung out socially unless it was all of Team Flash.

The state of things, for a while, had been that Hartley would ask Cisco to do something, maybe watch a show or a movie or play a video game that they were both interested in. Cisco would reply with some variation of 'sorry, maybe another time' that was always polite and seemed sincere... but there was never another time. So Hartley, eventually, stopped asking.

Yet, now here he was. Not because Cisco was genuinely interested in being friends, either, which sucked. No, Cisco had made it obvious that the only relationship he wanted with Hartley was a professional one.  Which was fair enough; Cisco may have forgiven Hartley for their past, but he wasn't obligated to do more than that and Hartley was, mostly, fine with the way things were between them.

But now Cisco had used hanging out with Hartley as an excuse to ditch Barry, who'd only been asking about their usual movie night to try and gracefully back out of it to give his grieving friend space.

Hartley had gone along with it to let Cisco save face, but he hadn't expected to actually go home with Cisco afterwards. He'd been prepared for Cisco to beg off at the last second, but instead Cisco had shown up in Hartley's lab space as Hartley was shutting things down for the day, and proceeded to start chattering about _Tales of_ _Zestiria_. Both of them liked the _Tales_ series; neither of them had found time for _Zestiria_ yet and Cisco had a copy and maybe they could play it together? Or they could watch the new season of _Daredevil_?

Cisco seemed to genuinely want to hang out with Hartley. Which was weird.

Hartley didn't intend to point that out for fear that doing so would ruin everything. But part of him kept wondering what weird twilight zone he'd entered where Cisco wanted to hang out with him and was irrationally angry with Barry.

And now he was actually walking into Cisco's apartment and... he didn't belong here. Not really. Cisco would probably realize that any second now and kick him out. Politely, of course.

"Are you good with pizza?" Cisco asked.

"Sure," Hartley replied, hesitantly shutting the door behind him. "Supreme?"

"Sounds perfect." Cisco had made a bee-line for the shelf where he kept his games, sliding his fingers along the spines of the cases until he found the one he was looking for and plucked it off the shelf. Hartley could only assume it was _Tales of_ _Zestiria_. "Here," Cisco held out the game to him. "Will you set it up while I call in the order?"

Hartley didn't trust himself to speak. So he nodded and smiled and took the game. Then he did as requested, turning on the TV and the PS3, cycled over to the correct input settings, and then popped the game into the playstation. He checked the battery levels on Cisco's controllers and then settled onto the couch with two of them (having plugged in the other two to let them power back up) and waited for Cisco to join him.

He also waited for that moment when Cisco remembered he didn't actually want to be Hartley's friend. When the pizza got there. When they argued over how long to go between trading off controller one so they could both have a turn controlling the on-screen exploration. When they realized it was after midnight and they still had work the next morning. When Cisco offered Hartley the (very comfortable) sleeper couch and some spare pajamas so that he wouldn't have to drive home exhausted. When he woke up the next morning and Cisco was making breakfast to share with him...

The moment never came and, slowly, Hartley relaxed. And he even accepted the offer to hang out again the following evening so they could make more progress on _Zestiria_ together.

Hartley was still pretty sure that Cisco didn't really want to be his friend. It was that Cisco didn't want to be Barry's friend right now either, but needed someone to hang out with in Barry's place until he finally had enough time and space to put his grief over Dante behind him. Then the Cisco and Barry show would resume and... Hartley would be back to waiting for 'some other time' that was never going to happen.

* * *

Hartley quickly determined, after Barry admitted to screwing with time (again), that he had not been a member of Team Flash before the whole Flashpoint timeline shift. Barry didn’t say as much, but then he didn’t need to. The side-long looks and general wariness spoke volumes. At least he seemed accepting of Hartley’s place on the team.

Or maybe he just didn’t want to antagonize Cisco any further.  Cisco had basically glued himself to Hartley’s side since Dante’s death and Barry’s refusal to go back to save him. The two of them worked together with Caitlin at STAR Labs all day, then retreated to one of their apartments – usually Cisco’s – for video games or movies nearly every other evening. Honestly, Hartley would’ve thought Cisco would be a little sick of him by now; most of his past boyfriends had been unable to stand him to such a degree and at least some of them had claimed to love him.

At the moment, the duo were nearly through _Tales of Zestiria_ , gleefully referring to Sorey and Mikleo as ‘the boyfriends’ and complaining good-naturedly about the addition of Rose to the team who, as an assassin with a heart of gold and a tragic past who could have easily been the Shepherd if Sorey hadn’t gotten there first, was pretty clearly the creator’s pet Mary Sue. They’d been considering queuing up _Lego: Harry Potter (Years 1-4)_ as their next game… but Hartley doubted they’d actually get to it.

Cisco and Barry were besties in a way that made Hartley ache with jealousy, even more so now that he’d gotten a taste of what it was like to be Cisco’s best friend. He knew, though, that it was only a matter of time before Cisco realized that he couldn’t stay angry with Barry forever and the two made up. Then Cisco would be back to watching _The Wrath of Khan_ with Barry and, if Hartley was very lucky, Cisco would make enough time for them to finish _Tales of Zestiria_ before relegating Hartley back to the position of afterthought.

He just… hadn’t expected it to happen so soon.

The Rival shouldn’t have been a problem for Barry to take on, as the more experienced speedster.  But Barry’s head hadn’t been in the game and Cisco had been the one to save him. Which, apparently, was what the two of them had needed to re-cement their friendship. They’d spent the night at Joe’s, afterwards, apparently introducing Wally to classic _Trek_ episodes and the wondrous campiness that was sixties television.

Hartley then got to hear all about it that morning, spending the rest of the day trying to pretend he wasn't stewing in a combination of jealousy and… it wasn’t heartbreak, but it kind of felt the same. Which was ridiculous, of course. It wasn’t like he’d been dating Cisco. Cisco was straight. Hartley did not do crushes on straight guys.

(At least, he hadn’t since the tragedy that was Mark. Hartley had still been in college at the time, even more prone to flights of the dramatic sort than he was now, and had managed to wind up with a crush on a particularly queer-phobic straight guy. The whole thing had been a recipe for disaster and it had taken Hartley several weeks to move on properly… and those weeks had involved watching more romantic comedies and eating more ice cream than Hartley was comfortable admitting to. Also he might’ve lamented to his roommate a few times… a few dozen times… that his life was ruined.)

Anyway, the point stood that Cisco wasn’t breaking up with Hartley for Barry and that Hartley had absolutely no reason to feel even more wrecked now than he had when Chip had broken up with him. But he was mopey and despondent all day anyway (garnering a few concerned looks from Cisco and Caitlin; they probably thought he was having one of his frequent migraines) and when he got home to his empty apartment that evening, he very nearly started crying when he realized that his fridge was practically empty. He’d used up the last of the sandwich fixings the night before and…

… and tonight was usually game night. Hartley hadn’t planned on grocery shopping until Thursday afternoon.

He considered a salad, until he realized the half-empty bag of mixed greens was… decaying. Sighing to himself, Hartley picked up his phone to order some Thai only for it to start buzzing in his hand as a call came in, Cisco’s name on the screen.

“Hello?” Hartley answered, feeling a touch uncertain and hating himself for it. Surely Cisco was still busy reaffirming his bro-ship with Barry. What was he calling about?

“Hey Hart,” Cisco greeted cheerfully. “I know you were feeling down all day, but are you still good for some _Tales of Zestiria_? Or maybe we could do some catching up on the _Marvel_ Netflix shows? _Luke Cage_ should be out soon and we’re only halfway through _Jessica Jones_.”

Considering they’d only been watching one episode of _Jessica Jones_ at a time because Hartley couldn’t handle more than that – he wanted to see the show through to the end, but the whole plot was really triggering for him and he was tempted to tell Cisco to finish it on his own and then summarize it for him - Cisco was being really patient and understanding about the whole ‘watch an episode, wait a week or two, watch another’ pace they were crawling along at when all the episodes were already on Netflix, practically begging Cisco to binge watch at his own discretion.

“I’d rather _Zestiria_ ,” Hartley told him. “I… I don’t think I can handle any _Jessica Jones_ tonight.”

“Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?” Cisco asked, concern in his voice.

Hartley could just imagine it now. ‘I’m moping like a high school student who just suffered their first big romantic rejection because you’ve got Barry again and don’t need me.’ Yeah. That’d go over swimmingly.

“No… no, I’m just… having an off day,” Hartley said instead.

* * *

“Perfect timing,” Cisco told him. “Dinner showed up just before you got here.”

“Great.” Hartley’s voice was a little strained.  Despite his resolve to cheer up before he got to Cisco's, he'd been unable to tear his thoughts away from the idea that Cisco was going to tell him they weren't going to have as much time to hang out anymore and that by 'not as much time' what was really meant was 'no time at all.'  So he was still very much the opposite of cheery.

“Hey… seriously, Hart, what’s going on with you today?”  Cisco flushed, like he hadn't meant to ask.  Then he straightened and his expression became determined. “Did I do something to upset you or…? I dunno… you’re not upset I spent last night hanging out with Barry, are you?”

Hartley’s mouth opened and then he snapped it shut again, pursing his lips and looking away. “A little, I guess.” He shrugged. “I’m just being ridiculous. Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m not ditching you for Barry,” Cisco told him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You know that, right?”

Instead of relaxing, which was Cisco had clearly been aiming for, Hartley tensed up further. “Cisco… how much did we hang out, just us, before you and Barry had your falling out?”

“Ah… well, I guess not much?” Cisco wrinkled his nose in thought, which was more adorable than it had any right to be. “I guess we weren’t very good at that before.”

Hartley snorted. “Do you know how many times I asked you to hang out after work? Grab a drink? Play a game? Watch a movie? ‘Hey, _Stranger Things_ premieres tonight, want to get a pizza and binge watch the first few episodes together?’”

Cisco cringed and Hartley could only assume he remembered being asked that exact question months earlier.  Then, slowly, something horrified seemed to dawn on the engineer's face.  “I’m an asshole."

“That’s not… that’s not what I’m saying at all,” Hartley back-pedaled, feeling a bit panicked. “I just… you never had time for me like this before.”

“No. No, I was being an asshole,” Cisco insisted, looking a bit dazed. “Fuck, Hartley, I didn’t even realize I was being a dick to you. But I was and… there’s no excuse. I’m so sorry.”

“You just… didn’t want to be friends. That’s not exactly being a dick,” Hartley insisted anyway, wishing he could take this whole conversation back

“Nope, no making excuses. My behavior was awful. I made you feel awful and then I made you feel like… like we could only be friends if I was using you to stick it to Barry and I am a terrible person.” He saw Hartley's flinch because... yes, Hartley had thought exactly that. “I’m going to be a better friend from now on. I promise.”  Cisco pulled him into a hug and it was wonderful and it was...

It wasn’t fair, Hartley thought as he burrowed into the warmth of Cisco’s hug and muttered something about holding Cisquito to that promise and smirked as the engineer spluttered over the nickname.

He was supposed to be past the point of crushes on straight guys by now.

It wasn’t fair.

* * *

Hartley watched _Doctor Who_ the following night. Specifically, he watched the first two episodes of series three, with Martha Jones and the Tenth Doctor.

Out of all the companions on the show, Hartley had always seen himself as more of a Donna or an Amy. He'd always thought of himself as spunky and flirty and bossy. But apparently he was a Martha because, even though he was smart and supportive like Martha was, Cisco looked right through him the way the Doctor looked through her.

At least Cisco didn't have a Rose, yet.

* * *

“I know that look,” Barry said, gazing at Hartley with an expression that’s half worry and half commiseration. “I have worn that look since before I knew there were words that described it.”

“I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about,” Hartley responded in bewilderment.

“The look of the unrequited crush.”

Hartley felt suddenly anxious. Was it too late to run away and hide in his apartment instead of hanging out at a (too loud) club with Barry, Cisco, and Caitlin. At least the other two were off dancing and not witnessing this tragedy.

“What?!” Oh god, he’d squeaked the word out. Maybe the floor would open up and swallow him whole. He’d never know how _Tales of Zestiria_ ended; never know whether or not Sorey and Mikleo would declare their undying love for one another in the form of re-upping their pledge to go adventuring through all the ruins in the world together one last time. But if it meant that he wouldn't have this conversation with Barry then that was the sacrifice Hartley was willing to make.

“You’ve got a crush on Cisco,” Barry clarified. “It’s obvious, but he’s oblivious and...”

“I… I don’t crush on straight guys, Barry. I just… I don’t, okay?” Hartley was not going to start hyperventilating. (He sort of was.)

“Whoa, hey. Sorry,” Barry gently touched Hartley’s shoulder. “I just… thought I could give you some support or something. Someone to talk to who knows what its like.”

Its too loud in the club, but Hartley had been able to grin and bear it before. Now he felt like the sound alone might smother him.

“Why haven’t you said anything to him?”

Because Hartley’d only just figured it out himself. Because he was shy and awkward and anxious. Because no one who said they liked Hartley back ever really meant it. Because he was too high maintenance for Chip and too sharp for Harrison and… too very clearly male for Cisco.

“He’s straight, Barry.” Hartley repeated those words again, slowly, then clarified it further, just in case Barry was having problems understanding his point. “As in, Cisco isn’t attracted to men. Not sexually and not romantically. Aesthetically? Sure. Not as much as women, though. So, hypothetically, if I did have a crush on Cisco and told him, he’d probably say he was flattered but really sorry ‘cause he doesn’t feel the same way and then game night would get awkward and probably ruin the ending of _Tales of Zestiria_ with all the waves of pity coming off him, so… back off.” Hartley felt too hot and kind of queasy. “I need some air,” he snapped, leaving the club.

It was cooler outside and Hartley went from too warm to too cold in far too short a time. He wished he’d grabbed his jacket before heading to the club, but… too late.

“Hey!” Cisco’s voice caught Hartley attention and he turned back to the club entrance to see the engineer hurrying over to him. “Are you okay? Barry didn’t say anything stupid, did he? I know how insensitive he can be sometimes.” He held out Hartley’s jacket, which was received gratefully.

“No,” Hartley lied as he pulled on the extra layer. Lying about his feelings to Cisco was fast becoming a habit. He didn’t like it. “I just...” he gestured to his ears.

“Oh… oh!” Cisco’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry, Hart. I didn’t even think about your hearing when I suggested clubbing. Why didn’t you say something? We could’ve gone, like… bowling or something. We’re all terrible bowlers; we could have put on the gutter guards and made bets over who’d get the most side bounces by the end of the… set? Are they called sets?”

Hartley snorted in amusement. “I don’t think they’re called sets, but I know what you mean.” Yeah… that would’ve been fun. “You looked so excited about the club idea that I… I guess I didn’t want to be a downer.”

“Yeah, well say something next time,” Cisco insisted. “I want us all to have fun, not just some of us.”

Why did Cisco have to be so sweet?

* * *

When they finished _Tales of Zestiria_ , including the bonus dungeon and the harder version of the final boss battle, they finally conceded the game was as close to 100% completion as they were going to get. (The optional boss battle versus the Dark Turtlez was, perhaps, the best thing in the game.) While they agreed that it wasn’t the best of the _Tales_ games (Hartley insisted that was either _Symphonia_ or _Vesperia_ while Cisco, the heathen, thought it was _Abyss_ ), both were looking forward to the upcoming prequel, _Tales of Berseria_.

“When that one comes out, we’re gonna have to drop whatever game we’re playing and switch. Velvet just sounds so badass,” Cisco enthused.

“I’m still stuck on the idea that you prefer the game with Luke fon Fabre over Lloyd Irving or Yuri Lowell. Just… I don’t know how to deal with that.”

“Keep it up and I’m going to start calling you Crona.”

“Now I want to watch _Soul Eater_ ,” Hartley grumbled.

“Your own fault,” Cisco told him, taking _Zestiria_ out of the PS3 and replacing it with the first _Lego Harry Potter_.

Hartley idly wished that, when Cisco returned to the couch, he could play while curled up against Cisco’s side. He had to remind himself ‘no straight guys, stop thinking that’ and it hurt.

* * *

Hartley wandered into Barry and Julian Albert’s lab, standing awkwardly by the door and waiting to be noticed.

“Hartley? Is something wrong?” Barry asked after a few moments when he looked up, standing up with concern on his face.

“Okay, first, you’re an asshole.”

“Finally, someone who sees sense,” was the very, very quiet sound of Julian Albert.

Barry winced and opened his mouth to say something, but Hartley cut him off. “However… you weren’t wrong. About what you guessed. Is your offer of a friendly ear still open?”

“Yeah. Oh, um, Hartley, this is my coworker, Julian Albert. Julian, this is my friend, Hartley Rathaway.”

“Lovely to meet you,” Julian greeted Hartley pleasantly, standing up as well and meeting Hartley halfway to shake his hand. The guy was hot, British, and bore a certain resemblance to one of Hartley’s childhood celebrity crushes – Tom Felton. If Barry had remembered anything about Hartley at all, then it would have been ridiculously telling just how gone on Cisco Hartley was that he didn’t respond by flirting but was merely congenially polite instead.

And maybe Barry did remember something, because he was looking a little more worried now. Or maybe he was remembering that, even playing the part of the villain to the hilt, Hartley still hadn’t resisted the urge to flirt with the Flash every chance he could get while in the pipeline. (It was for science, really; Hartley had to know if Barry could blush the same shade of red as his suit. Inquiring minds needed to know.)

“So I take it you’re here for lunch?” Barry asked wryly, locking his computer and grabbing his phone and wallet from his desk.

Hartley just nodded.

* * *

In the end, Hartley didn’t do a whole lot of talking after admitting, out loud, that he did indeed have a mega-crush on Cisco and he wasn’t sure how long because he was almost as oblivious as Cisco. He just sort of turned it around to getting Barry talking about his feelings for Iris and some of his failed attempts to move on.

“I hate to say it, but maybe… maybe game night just the two of you is a bad idea right now. It’s just...”

“Not conducive to moving on?”

Barry nodded, looking a little miserable himself. “I’m sorry. I know my longtime feelings for Iris aren’t really the same because, well, it’s not like she and I exactly have incompatible orientations going on. I mean… I had a crush on this guy in college, who was straight, but I didn’t know him well enough to tell him how I felt even if he had been gay or bi.”

“How’d you know he was straight?” Hartley asked, curious. He knew Cisco was straight because they’d had a few STAR Labs slumber parties after Barry was paralyzed and, one of those nights, they’d swapped some ‘coming out queer stories’. It was the most Hartley had talked about his parents in years.

Finding out Barry was bi hadn’t been too surprising, given the low-key crush Hartley was pretty sure the guy was harboring towards Captain Cold, though Caitlin being demi-ace pan-romantic had been kind of a surprise. He’d walked in on a lot of hot-and-heavy makeout sessions between her and Ronnie, after all. But then… he ought to know not to lean on stereotypes for guessing other people’s orientations and it wasn’t like being ace meant that a person didn’t like kissing or sex… it just mean they didn’t feel sexual attraction. (Attraction did not equal action, after all.)

Cisco, it turned out, had gone to a few GSA and LGBT meetups in high school and college too. He’d joked about being the token straight on Team Flash… and then admitted to something he clearly hadn’t meant to say out loud.

“ _Sometimes I kind of question the whole gender thing – like, I wonder if maybe I’m a demi-guy…_ _or demi-boy, whatever_ _. But… I don’t know if that’s because I really feel that way or if I’ve just taken so much flack about my long hair and stuff that I’m confusing being a little nonconforming with being a little non-binary. But when it comes to attraction… I’m definitely straight._ _Anyway_ _I was always just an ally at the meet_ _ups_ _at college. I guess I’m getting to be an ally again tonight.”_

“ _You know it’s perfectly valid to be questioning, right?”_ Hartley had told him. _“That’s one of the things the Q is supposed to represent on the extended acronym.”_

In retrospect, the warmth he’d felt at Cisco’s smile probably should’ve been a warning sign.

“He was only at the college LGBT meetings because of his girlfriend. He stopped coming when she broke up with him,” Barry said, drawing Hartley’s attention back to the present conversation. “He was straight and… a little bi-phobic now that I think about it.”

“Ugh, straight and phobic… I’ve been there,” Hartley fiddled with his napkin, only to wince a little when he realized he was starting to shred it in his lap. “I don’t want to give up game night,” he said in a small voice.

“Then don’t. Just… distance was sometimes helpful for me to keep a handle on my crush on Iris. Obviously my feelings never went away, but… it helped.”

“I know. I should.”

“Or maybe you should get Caitlin or me, or both of us, to crash game night so its not just the two of you?”

Hartley bit his lip nervously and shrugged. He didn’t want to admit that the only reason he knew his feelings were a crush was because of how ridiculously jealous of Barry he’d been and that he really, really didn’t want to share his Cisco-time with Barry. Instead, Hartley changed the subject back to Barry again. The speedster gave him a knowing look, but went with it for now.

* * *

HR was… adorable. Seriously adorable.

Hartley had his doubts at first, but when the Earth-19 version of Harrison Wells turned out to be a writer of all things? Not a genius but a muse? He might have had a little bit of a giggle fit in response.

“You have to get us copies of all your books,” Hartley insisted, once he recovered enough to talk and earning a dirty look from Cisco, who clearly wanted Hartley to give his vote on whether HR got the trial period or not. “What genre are they? Science fiction, fantasy, historical fiction, romance?” Hartley wouldn’t say it out loud, but he was really hoping for some period drama romance novels with Fabio-types on the covers.

“Mystery romances, though some of them are set during some important historical events on my Earth,” HR told him. “I’ve got digital copies of them if you’re really interested.”

“Definitely.”

“I guess Hart votes stay,” Cisco grumbled, pouting a little at being ignored.

* * *

“You know, when I was being a dick to Cisco all the time, a large part of that had to do with how jealous I was over Harrison’s fawning over him. Don’t argue,” Hartley told the engineer. “He did. All the time. Now, of course, I know he was fanboying over getting to meet Vibe before you became a hero, but at the time it was ridiculous. Your resume was impressive, but it wasn’t worth all the borderline waxing-poetic he was doing before you even showed up.”

“Um… Hartley, do you have a point with this?” Barry asked.

“Julian is probably being an asshole to you because of his own insecurities and you’re just the most convenient target.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Cisco waved his hands wildly and pined Hartley with an expression that was probably best described with a freaked out looking emoticon. “Evil Wells fanboy-ed over meeting me? What?!  No.  No way.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have called it fanboying at the time, but in retrospect? Definitely fanboying.”

“I… I don’t think I know how to deal with this information,” Cisco replied in bewilderment.

“Sorry, Crona, don’t think I can help,” Hartley told him.

“Crona?” Barry repeated, looking a little lost.

" _Soul Eater_ ," Hartley told him absently.

"Oh yeah... been a while since I saw that one. Mostly I just remember Troy Baker singing the Excalibur song."

“He does have a most excellent singing voice...”

* * *

Caitlin was sitting on the floor, knees tucked up underneath her chin, tears running down her face as she hugged her shins and tried to ignore the world. Given her extremely violent outburst as Killer Frost and the fact that she’d thought kidnapping Julian Albert was a good idea… well, it was understandable she was in shock now.

What she was probably reeling from the most, however, was from her decision to deliberately reopen the chasm between Barry and Cisco regarding Dante’s death.

Hartley sat down beside her.

“So… PTSD, unstable powers, and maybe a split personality, huh?”

Caitlin didn’t respond.

“Have you considered therapy? Because I’ve been considering therapy. Even before the whole exploding accelerator and instant metas, just add Dark Energy thing, I could have really benefited from it. Probably wouldn’t have turned to villainy if I’d worked out some of my issues before all that crap started...”

Caitlin was staring at him now with a very… blank look.

He sighed. “Thanks to Wells and Zoom, we all could use some therapy, Caitlin. For all we know, your powers showing up now isn’t random or Flashpoint related at all. It could just be all the stress Zoom put you under caused… well, previously latent abilities to start manifesting. And for all that you think that you’re the big bad Killer Frost when your powers come out… you just seemed like you but angrier and a lot less rational. Like your powers are trying to force you to deal with everything you’ve been bottling up and ignoring for the past few years.”

“Hartley.” She sounded icier now than when she’d been using the frost-tinged voice of her alter-ego.

“Yeah?”

“Shut up.”

Hartley winced and went quiet, but he persisted in sitting beside her despite the death glare she’d given him. This was still preferable to bearing witness to the (re)fracturing of the Barry/Cisco bro-ship. Then, quietly, “seriously. You think you’re having a bad year? I’ve got a crush on Cisco. Bad enough when I could pretend it was just low-key crush, but now that I've seen the way that 'Vibe' suit of his hugs his ass? I'd say I'm screwed, but my problem is the opposite of that.”

There was a moment of silence and then, quietly at first, Caitlin began to laugh.

“You think I’m joking, but I’m serious. He’s so tragically straight; I just know this is going to end in tears.”

She leaned against Hartley until her (slightly hysterical) laughter finally tapered off.

* * *

“I blame you for my crush on Cisco,” Hartley told the speedster, idly sipping his one beer for the night (his sense of hearing didn't like him getting drunk so he'd set himself up a limit after the first, and only, truly horrendous hangover he'd suffered through after the accelerator incident).

“How did you come to that conclusion?” Barry asked morosely. He poked at the beer that he wasn’t really drinking since it wouldn’t effect him anyway.

“I wasn’t part of the team before Flashpoint, was I?” Hartley asked. “I mean, it’s kind of obvious that I wasn’t.”

“You helped… usually phoned it in, though ‘cause you were living in Opal City running a couple of Mercury Lab’s biggest projects there. Shit… I ruined your successful career and gave you an unrequited crush on my straight best friend. Who hates me now. I’m just screwing everyone over, aren’t I?”

“Self-pity helps no one. Neither do anxiety attacks,” Hartley informed him oh so helpfully.

“Wallowing makes me feel better,” Barry lied.

Hartley side-eyed the other man, but ultimately opted not to call him on it.

“I also blame you for the fact that Jesse doesn’t remember me at all. She was like a little sister to me and now she barely knows who I am.” Hartley paused, then added, “but you know what? I don’t hate you for any of it. And Cisco doesn’t hate you either. Much as he wishes he did.”

“You’re terrible at this ‘helping Barry feel better’ thing,” Barry told him.

“Who said anything about helping?” Hartley asked innocently. “I thought I was supposed to be piling on the guilt in Cisco's honor.”

“And you called me an asshole,” Barry complained.

“Oh, you are. That just means we have something in common.”

* * *

"So, are we going to talk about it?"

"About what?"

"The gaping chasm between you and your best friend?" Hartley prompted uneasily.

"If you're referring to Barry," Cisco grumbled archly, "he's not my friend anymore."

Hartley winced. Hopefully this would all blow over before Cisco actually said something to that affect in front of Barry himself. The speedster was doing a good job of pretending otherwise, but the guy was depressed. Hartley might have said it flippantly to Caitlin, but he'd meant it when he'd told her they all needed therapy. No one could go through as much trauma as they all had and come out the other side mentally healthy.

"Okay," Hartley said in what he hoped was a placating tone and then cast about for something – anything – else to talk about. "You know... it's been a year and you haven't said anything about whether you've finally settled on demi-boy as a label or not. Is that something you're still questioning or..." he tried not to wince again. Of all of the topic to choose from and instead of asking what game they're going to play next he asks about Cisco's gender identification instead?

"I don't..." Cisco sighed and dropped unceremoniously onto his couch. "I keep going in circles," he said quietly.  "Most of the time I'm a guy.  Being a guy feels right and I can't imagine not using he/him pronouns.  But sometimes.  Just... sometimes..." he takes a shuddering breath.  "Sometimes I don't feel like a guy or any gender at all.  And I think maybe... maybe it would be nice to be referred to as they/them.  Not that he/him feels wrong, its just... but what if... what if I'm just confusing myself and I'm not really demi and I'm just... blowing things out of proportion?"

"Cisco... what you're feeling is valid.  You aren't blowing things out of proportion, okay?  If you think you might be a demi-boy or genderfluid or agender or non-binary, or queer or whatever, then you should use those labels.  Any of them.  All of them.  If a label helps you better understand yourself, then that's what they're for.  They're not some... some yardstick for measuring 'you must be this queer to ride this ride.'"  He mimed with his hands as if to show a cut-off height like there were for roller coasters.  "Whatever label you choose, I'll support you. Whatever pronouns you want used to refer to you, I'll use because your identity deserves to be respected."

"I just... I don't think I'm ready to..." Cisco shrugged listlessly, avoiding Hartley's eyes.

Right, so for now just keep treating Cisco as he had been and using he/him pronouns.  If that was what Cisco needed, then that was what Hartley would do.

Hartley wondered if it had to do with Dante. He knew Dante had given Cisco grief about his hair and had referred to Cisco as 'she' and 'mija' a few times, not bothering to hold back on the mockery even in front of Cisco's friends and coworkers. The only reason Hartley had understood Cisco's desire to build a better relationship with Dante was because of his own shaky connection to his parents. Certainly his very real fears about being disowned for being gay had fueled his initial denial of his orientation and caused him to tangle himself up in so many layers of self-loathing that he was still encountering those feelings when he least expected.

"Want a hug?" Hartley offered tentatively. In response, Cisco tucked himself up against Hartley's side and buried his face against Hartley's shoulder.

"Thanks Hart," Cisco mumbled, voice muffled against the fabric of Hartley's shirt. "When... when I am ready to... well... you and Cait will be the first to know."

Barry too, Hartley filled in mentally. Cisco might not want to admit it, but he loved his best friend far too much to never forgive him. Barry had acted rashly out of grief, but had tried to do the right thing in fixing his mistake. Now Cisco was the one being irrational from grief and, eventually, he'd also want to fix the mistake he was making in pushing Barry away.

They just needed time.

* * *

There was no time, however, to fix the problems between Cisco and Barry, however, because aliens showed up.

What Cisco should have done was shelve his feelings of enmity for a time when the fate of the Earth wasn't on the line. Instead, Cisco effectively turned the combined forces of Teams Flash, Arrow, Legends, and Kara (who was a small army all on her own) against Barry. And Hartley couldn’t…

He just… he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t even look at Cisco as he sided with Barry and Oliver and stayed behind while the others left to fight the Dominators. He couldn’t look up as Cisco walked by him to get a few minutes fresh air outside the bunker before heading back in to rejoin Felicity at the computers. The quiet little sound of what could only be disgust said it all; Hartley couldn’t bear to see the look of betrayal that surely graced Cisco’s face.

When the door shut, Hartley did his best to make sure it didn’t look like he was bolting for the bathroom to throw up from his nerves. (Oliver maybe didn’t realize there was anything wrong with him, but Barry wasn’t fooled in the least.)

* * *

“I think its better if just Felicity and I go with them. I don’t know about you, but I could use some space.” The words were like a punch to the gut.

Hartley waited until the Waverider had vanished into the past before giving in to the panic attack that had been edging up on him since he’d chosen to back Barry instead of Cisco. He wasn’t too surprised when Caitlin basically tranquilized him and hauled his drugged ass back to STAR Labs to sleep it off.

* * *

“Well, considering his best friend decided to go time traveling in the middle of a crisis with a non-combatant, a man who once strapped me to a bomb, and two people we only met today,” Caitlin was saying, “I’m honestly surprised he managed to hold off his freak-out until after you left. Especially since you were treating him like a pariah.” She sighed. “Hartley was right. We do all need therapy.”

Hartley considered cuddling into the infirmary cot and maybe pulling the pillow over his head in a symbolic (futile) gesture.  Instead he made a grumbly noise and sat up, running a hand through his hair and fumbling for his glasses on the bedside table.

“Cisco?” he asked, blinking at the Cisco-shaped blur. Then he scowled at the Caitlin-shaped blob. “You drugged me.”

“You were hyperventilating and ignoring my attempts to calm you down. Damn right I drugged you.” Caitlin did not look, nor sound, particularly repentant once Hartley could see her properly. But then she relented a little. “I’m not much use fighting aliens, but looking after a friend having a bad mental health day? I can do that.”

Hartley nodded and offered her a wan smile. “Thanks.” Then he turned to Cisco warily. “So, find out everything in the 50s that you needed?”

“Yeah. Look, man, I’m sorry. My behavior was way out of line.  I promised I was going to be a better friend to you and now I've gone and screwed it all up...”

Hartley shut the other man up with a hug. “I forgive you.”

* * *

The afternoon after they beat the aliens, Hartley and Cisco completed  _Lego Harry Potter_  and called in Barry and Caitlin to play  _Tales of Symphonia_  with them on Hartley’s recommendation.

When it was just them, they sat side-by-side on the couch, but with the others there… Hartley let Barry and Caitlin take the couch with Cisco and he settled on the chair off to the side (after dragging it over to have a better view of the tv).

Game night turned into a slumber party and they made Barry play as Lloyd because clearly Lloyd was wearing a proto-Flash outfit. Caitlin claimed Kratos because he wore purple; she insisted it was an ace thing (it took a moment for Hartley to remember that the purple on the ace flag represented the ace community) and then jokingly demanded cake, before admitting she actually preferred blondies. Hartley took Genis and Cisco vacillated between Raine and Colette. Though Hartley ditched Genis for Raine for the fight against Efreet after their first attempt failed miserably and Colette had to be in the party.

Though the game had voice-acting, only really important scenes were voiced. Side quests, minor scenes, and skits were all silent. So Hartley started reading Genis’ unvoiced lines in a high-pitched, snooty voice; within minutes he had everyone else doing voices too. Cisco’s falsettos for Colette and Raine were priceless while Caitlin deepened her voice to mimic the way Kratos spoke to comic effect. Barry changed accents every ten minutes or so; he did a fair impression of Julian’s accent, but his cockney accent was atrocious, his attempts to sound Irish would’ve probably offended anyone who was actually Irish, and the less said about his attempts at generic Scottish, German, French, and Russian accents, the better.

It all went really well until Hartley woke up the next morning to find Cisco curled up around him on the floor while Barry and Caitlin were each half falling off the couch in their sleep.  Hartley had to slowly creep away, fighting down the impulse to brush a kiss against the other man’s cheek as Cisco lay sleeping, and regret how his attempt to follow Barry’s advice had, ultimately, failed him utterly.

* * *

“Christmas threw up all over the cortex,” were the first words out of Hartley’s mouth when he saw what HR had done to decorate the place. There was low-key and there was festive and then there was… this.

But the older man looked so pleased with himself that Hartley redirected the conversation away from the complaints in order to ask him if he’d ever written any Christmas themed novels. Which he had and, since Hartley had really enjoyed the ones he'd already read, HR offered to see if he had the file stashed away somewhere on the jump drives he’d brought with him from Earth-19. (Thankfully USB drives and ports between the two Earths were compatible, though Hartley’d had to write a custom plugin for Calibre in order to read the files.)

* * *

“I know you, Caitlin. Cisco, Hartley, Joe, Wally. The fake Wells. I know your fears and I know your weaknesses. I know you better than you know yourselves. I know your destinies. One shall betray you. One shall fall. One will suffer a fate far worse than death. One will break. This is the knowledge I have for you. About your everlasting damnation.”

“Who are you?”

“I am the future, Flash.

* * *

“When he said ‘one will break’ he meant me,” Hartley said quietly.

“No way, he was just psyching us out,” Cisco insisted, but there was worry and fear in his tone.

But if Iris was the one who ‘shall fall’ and Caitlin’s transformation into Killer Frost meant she’d betray them… then that left the ‘fate far worse than death’ and ‘one will break’ up for grabs. And after his panic attack during the Dominator crisis, Hartley knew his mental health was a lot more fragile than he was comfortable admitting.

“I found a therapist. She’s got good reviews and is really LGBT positive, so I’m hoping it’ll be a good fit.” Hartley fidgeted, tugging lightly at the hem of his shirt. “I… I set up what’s basically an interview appointment for later this week.”

“I wish Caitlin would follow your example,” Cisco told him. “I’ve got this terrible feeling… like I’m going to lose her.”

* * *

Watching Cisco and Lisa flirting the year before had been annoying, but tolerable.

Watching Cisco and Gypsy flirting was like having his chest compressed until there was no room for air in his lungs.

But at least she was going away. What were the odds they’d ever see her again? It was a pretty big multiverse, after all.

* * *

“She was wonderful, wasn’t she?”

“She wanted to kill HR.”

“I mean, aside from that.”

“Her code name is an insulting term for the Romany people.”

“Maybe it isn’t an insult on Earth-19?”

“Look, can we just get back to playing the game instead of going on and on at length about someone you’re never going to see again?”

“Fine.” … “But she was gorgeous, right?”

“I will suffocate you with this pillow. I’m sure Barry and Caitlin will understand.”

* * *

“Valentines day was last week,” Hartley said, walking up quickly to the two Wells, grabbing the spit defiled coffee cup from HR and proceeding to shove it hard enough against Harry’s chest that the older scientist had to grab it in order to steady the thing enough that it didn’t slosh coffee all over him. Hartley retracted his hand, leaving the coffee mug in Harry’s hands, and smirked triumphantly. “But if I remember correctly from your novels… Friends Day?”

“Friends day,” Harry echoed flatly. “Novels. You’ve been reading his books.”

“They’re really imaginative,” Hartley told Harry, offering HR a grin.

“That’s right, today is Friends Day.” HR returned Hartley’s smile gratefully. Then he hugged the younger man. “It’s the day we show our appreciation for the friends who make our lives brighter.”

“Happy Friends Day, HR.  So how goes the novel in progress? Need a beta reader?” Hartley asked, his tone growing more cheerful as Harry glowered at them both. “Also, I need to tell you about a very important impending holiday. It’s called Pi day.”

* * *

“Jesse, I know you don’t really know me, like… at all, thanks to Barry’s Flashpoint snafu.  But do you mind if I give you some unsolicited advice anyway?”

She shrugged at him. “You can’t do worse than HR’s advice,” she told him dryly.

“Okay, so... on your Earth, you have a life already. Not just your dad, but your friends. College classes. I remember there was this internship you’d really wanted at a bio research lab that sometimes partnered with STAR Labs. And I imagine that Jesse Quick’s made a name for herself already, helping protect that Earth’s Central City. It’s a lot to give up for a guy. Even a guy you like as much as Wally.”

“Are you saying I shouldn’t do it?”

“I’m saying that even though its possible for the two of you to keep in contact via Cisco’s inter-Earth text message system… neither of you bothered with it. But now that you’ve seen each other again, the two of you want to… move in together? And it would be moving in at Joe’s because Wally’s a broke college student himself. And he wouldn’t be giving up college or his friends or family… this is all very much on you right now.

“With all this… why not take a third option? The two of you alternate weekends on Earth-1 and Earth-2, you both get to finish college, see if this relationship will actually go anywhere… and the two of you won’t be starting off on a decidedly unequal foundation.”

“That’s… actually a really good plan.” Jesse brightened.

“Happy to help.”

* * *

“I’m going to marry that woman,” Cisco declared in a daze. Clearly he’d found his ‘Rose’.

Hartley wanted to cry.

Flippant though he might’ve been when he’d said it to Caitlin after her rampage as Killer Frost, he knew this crush was only going to end in tears.

* * *

Therapy was actually going really well and Hartley felt like he was handling the stress in his life better. His anxiety felt less suffocating, even when Wally and Barry were nearly eaten by the Speed Force or when Barry and Kara were put into a deadly dream musical that only true love could save them from. (At what point their lives became a bizarre double-feature rendition of Sleeping Beauty, Hartley had no idea, but he’d stopped questioning these things when he learned that Dementors were real and time travel was a matter of running really fast and wishing really hard.)

Also he and Cisco were finally playing  _Tales of Berseria_. It was every bit as glorious as they’d hoped and Hartley completely identified with Velvet’s desire for vengeance over reason. He’d lived that, after all.

Naturally, this was when Gypsy came back.

* * *

Joe had screwed up, nearly costing them Abra Cadabra (and putting the detective firmly on his daughter’s shit-list). And Cynthia, aka Gypsy, had finally revealed her name to Cisco… as well as her backstory of being partnered with a speedster – both professionally and romantically – who’d been murdered by Abra Cadabra.

It was juvenile of Hartley to rank those two events together, but each was profoundly upsetting to him for different reasons. He’d thought better of Joe than all of that… and he hated watching Cisco crush harder on the Earth-19 viber.

But concentrating on those two things meant that he didn’t have to think about the third major fuck up of the evening.

If Julian had just put the damn snowflake back on Caitlin when she’d woken up… or if he’d respected Caitlin’s wishes… then maybe… but, no, love and desperation made people do stupid things. That was tonight’s lesson. Killer Frost was on the lose in Central City’s streets as a result.

“Now, now, Hartley, deep breaths,” the icy voice told him mockingly. “Caitlin’s not here to sedate you if you have another panic attack.”

* * *

“So he’s a time remnant of you who would rather see Iris dead than with anyone else.  Or, admittedly, risk his existence for hers.” Hartley paused a beat, then said, “still, you may want to consider that you’ve got issues with possessiveness.”

“Do you think your therapist would be good with keeping secrets regarding vigilante alter-egos?” Barry asked.

“Yeah, probably. Mostly I just talk about everything except the vigilantism, though its not like I need to keep it quiet I'm a meta like you do. But she’s not taking on new clients right now anyway. I could probably get you some referrals, though. If you’re serious.”

“I… I think maybe I am. Just… not until this is all over.”

They were both silent for a minute and then Hartley finally asked the question that had been bothering him since the moment Barry returned from the future.  "I had a nervous breakdown, didn't I?  After Iris died and Caitlin froze Cisco's hands off."

Barry hesitated a moment and then nodded.  "Yeah.  You were, uh... you were doing a lot better by the time 2024 rolled around, though."

"That's... good to know." Hartley shrugged, not sure what to say.  His therapist thought he'd benefit from anti-anxiety medication but thought it should be his decision.  He'd been waffling, however, on whether or not to actually do it because it would mean having to discuss his anxiety problems with yet another person in order to get the prescription, but this... this decided him.

* * *

“Okay, so… erasing Barry’s memories somehow erases Savitar’s, but also keeps Savitar from gaining any of Barry’s new memories?” Hartley asked Caitlin – Frost, whatever.

“Yes,” she responded shortly.

“And it also somehow causes Wally to lose his speed because…? See, I’m a physicist and this shit makes no fucking sense. If it’s because Savitar is less likely to exist and thus less likely to have used Julian as Alchemy to turn Wally into a speedster, then why do we remember it happened? And why would affecting just his memories do all this when Eddie committing suicide only made Eobard Thawne poof out of existence at the same moment, but left all the effects he’d had on the timeline up to that point in place?”

“Maybe the creepy-pasta is right and reality is written by bad horror novelists?” Frost quipped, irritation lacing her voice. “Now shut up and let me work.”

Hartley smiled. Whether she liked it or not, this version of Killer Frost was really just Caitlin with all her anger issues laid bare. His smile dimmed, though. Just because he knew that was true didn’t mean she wouldn’t do her best to become the mask, especially if she let her friend die because she was too angry and afraid to face her issues.

"I'm just saying, the inconsistency really bothers me."

(Frost might've growled at him.)

* * *

After Barry and Captain Cold left to go steal the alien tech from the secret government agency (the way Barry kept glancing at Snart’s ass told Hartley all he needed to know about that low-key crush sticking around) and while their microphones were still off, Hartley elbowed Cisco lightly. “Isn’t it great how, after vowing not to time travel anymore, Barry keeps time traveling?”

“As long as he puts Snart back so that the timeline doesn't change and averts the future he visited so that I can keep my hands, I’m totally fine with this,” Cisco muttered, rubbing his hands together in agitation. “I like my hands. They’re nice hands.”

Hartley rolled his eyes and wondered why he was in love with such an idiot.  Not that Cisco's hands weren't nice, but... oh, wait.  He paused that train of thought and rewound because… he was in love with Cisco?

He was in love with Cisco.

Shit.

* * *

Iris was alive.

HR was dead.

Somewhere along the way, HR had gotten it in his head that his life meant less than theirs.

How had Hartley let his friend down so badly?

* * *

Everything had fallen apart so quickly. Caitlin came back to them at HR’s funeral… but only to say goodbye so she could go on some journey of self-discovery. Barry got eaten by the speed force, though the avatar that had taken Nora Allen’s visage had promised it wouldn’t be a punishment for him. Julian went back England because there was something wrong with one of his parents (he said it was just a visit, but Hartley was pretty sure this was leading up to a goodbye). Tracey was transferring to a doctorate program out of state.

Harry was sticking around for a while, which was probably, hopefully, maybe a good sign.

But everything was a mess and Hartley felt trapped.

* * *

Harry took the bottle out of Hartley’s hands. “I think you’ve had enough, Rathaway.”

“Nope. Noooooooo.” He reached for the beer, misjudged, and nearly face planted on the floor. “I just wanna forget. Just a little while, tha’s all.”

“Is this… is this about HR?” Harry asked softly, surprising gentle for someone usually so abrasive.

“I let him down and now he’s dead.”

“Oh, kid… you didn’t let him down.” Harry poured out the beer in the break room sink while Hartley watched mournfully.

“I did. He’s dead. Gone. Never going to decorate the lab like the holidays threw up everywhere again. I liked that. Spent so many holidays alone that it was kind of fun having cheerfulness everywhere. He was like a… a real life Rainbow Brite. Except a dude.” Hartley sniffled and rubbed at his eyes. “Murkey Dismal isn’t supposed to win.”

“Rathaway… Hartley. You’re drunk. Just… lay down, take your glasses off, and sleep it off. Okay?”

“Fine.” Hartley did as he was told, closed his eyes, and... someone other than HR came to mind as he muttered, “she crossed the multiverse to save his life. How could I ever compete with that?”

(In the morning, Hartley regretted everything and Harry made him coffee.)

* * *

"I've only read two so far, but if all the novels are of the same quality then I'd be more than happy to help you get them all published.  You're sure that Mr. Randolf wouldn't want any of the proceeds to go to his surviving family?"

"HR doesn't... didn't have any relatives left," Hartley told her.  "Just friends.  That's why I've got copies of all his writings.  He was... too shy to send any of them out; he put on a good act, but really he was always afraid that no one would take him seriously.  He never... he never really got the appreciation he deserved.  I can do this for him now, though.  Every last cent in royalties that he would've gotten goes to charity in his name.  He'd have liked that."

Milla Davies was an editor for a small publishing company known for two things in Central City: a strong belief in releasing only DRM free ebooks and working closely with local charities.  It had seemed like a good fit for the only sort of tribute Hartley could think of that would do his friend justice.  She smiled at Hartley and nodded.  "I do think this is a wonderful thing you're doing.  Now... I've got a few edits for the first two, so lets get those hashed out and released.  I figured we can release one or two a year until we've finally run out of his books.  Ready to get started?"

* * *

"It's my mother," Julian explained, looking a little harried as he was shoving clothes into his suitcase.  "She's been ill on and off for months now - that's why I've visited a few times over the last several months - but now we know why.  She... she has a tumor.  In her brain.  The location's inoperable."  The last words were said almost as a sob.  Julian blinked back tears and went back to packing.  "So I... I'm going to have to leave.  I don't know how long.  She's only got a few months left and then... Father will need me around for a while.  I've... I've already submitted my resignation to Captain Singh..."

"Hey."  Hartley put a hand on his shoulder.  "Call us.  Whenever you need someone to talk to, don't worry about the time differences, okay?  Just call."

"Once Team Flash, always Team Flash," Cisco agreed.  "I can even open up a breach between here and England if you need someone there in person... or a little time away."

"Nothing says friendship like offering to illegally enter another country to say 'hi'," Hartley deadpanned.  Cisco elbowed him, not undeservedly.

"What can we do now, though?"  Cisco glanced around, "need us to pack up the kitchenware?"

"Yes, actually... Hartley could you take it all with you to one of the Freespace donation centers for me?"  Julian sounded frazzled.  "I'll be staying with my parents at first and it's just easier to buy new plates and things when I actually need them again than to ship and store them."

"Yeah, sure.  Let me know if there's anything else you want to donate too.  I can probably get one of the volunteers to bring a truck by if you've got too much for my car."

* * *

When the first two books were released, Hartley sent a notice to Tracey, complete with copies of the finalized ebooks, links to the webpages where the novels were for sale, and a short explanation as to why the nome de plume was 'HR Randolf' instead of 'HR Wells'.  Tracey sent him back a short, to the point response.  Just two words. ‘Thank you.’

* * *

Mid-October the news across the nation was buzzing with reports about what was being called the Big Bang.  A gang fight in the warehouse district of Dakota City had gotten out of hand and been exacerbated by police intervention; an explosion went off in one of the warehouses, releasing an unidentified chemical compound in the air that had caused mutations in everyone exposed to it.  The chemicals hadn't just affected the gang members or cops involved in the fight, either.  It had take hours for the chemicals to finally disperse to levels low enough to have no effect on living beings.  A nearby homeless shelter, a bus full of band kids on their way home from a football match, several nearby apartment buildings... the reports were still coming in of people having delayed reactions and manifesting as metas across the city.

Hartley did a lot of volunteer work with Freespace.  In fact, he'd become their go-to guy when someone with unstable meta abilities showed up.  And now he was being offered a job to do that full-time at Dakota City.  They wanted him to lead a new initiative there working with several local Labs, including one of Mercury Lab's smaller branches, to help these new metas - or bang-babies, as the local bloggers had taken to calling them - learn to control their powers.

He wanted the job, badly.  It took everything he loved about volunteer work and science and mashed them together.  And it would give him the distance he needed to maybe, finally get over Cisco.

Therein lay the problem, however.  If he accepted the job, what was he going to tell Cisco?

* * *

"So, which game should we play next?" Cisco asked.  They were fast coming up on the end of  _Lego Jurassic World_  and that was when they usually queued up something new.  But this time...

Hartley paused the game.  "Cisco there's... there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."

"That sounds ominous," Cisco quipped setting his controller aside.

"Freespace is putting together a new initiative in Dakota City based on some of the volunteer work I've done, coordinating Mercury Labs with the various shelters in the city to offer help to metas whose powers are hard to control.  They... asked me to run it.  There are way more active metas in Dakota City than there are here; it'd be a full time job, if something of a pay cut from what I'm making right now, but..."

"You sound like you accepted already," Cisco said, his voice flat, unreadable.

"Not yet.  I've got some time to think it over before they need to have a definitive answer.  But... I'm going to accept the offer.  And it's not just because it's kind of a dream job for me.  There's... there's this other reason and I'm not really sure how to say this to you so just... let me talk?"  He winced a little but forged ahead.  "Okay so I..." Why was it so hard to say the words 'I have a ridiculously pathetic crush on you' sans the 'ridiculously pathetic' part?  He took a deep breath, tried again.  " _Doctor Who_ , series 3, Martha gets that massive crush on the Doctor, but he just... never notices.  That's been me for a while now.  A long while, really.  And what she did at the end of the series?  Turns out that's a really, really hard thing to do and I need to.  I need to get away and get out and... learn how to move on because I just can't seem to while I'm here."

"Is it Harry?" Cisco asked, oblivious to the last.

"No, Cisco.  In this analogy, you're the Doctor."

"I..." Cisco's eyes widened and he just sort of sat there in open mouthed shock for a long moment.  Hardly the most attractive look the man had ever sported and Hartley still wanted to kiss it off his face.

"I can't keep sitting around, wallowing in this crush, knowing that much as I might wish otherwise, you're never going to return my feelings."

"You're leaving because of me?" Cisco finally asked, voice small and wavery.  "Because I'm an oblivious idiot."

Hartley was clearly a horrible person because he was tempted to say 'yes.'  "Cisco, you've said it yourself.  You're straight.  You've got this... profound bond with Cindy Lou Who."

"Please don't mix  _Supernatural_ references with  _The Grinch Who Stole Christmas_ ," Cisco objected weakly.  "It's weird.  Makes me worry someone will gank the Grinch."

"Anyway," Hartley stressed, cutting him off, "I'm leaving because of me.  Because I can't handle watching you fall in love with someone else.  I'm not going to be gone forever.  And it's not like I'm going to stop taking your calls.  We can even start up game night again using your intra-dimensional breaches, once I've had enough time and space.  I'll be gone a year minimum, two max.  Then, if Team Flash still wants me, I'll come back.  Maybe I'll even have a boyfriend to bring back with me by then."

"This is not the way I ever wanted to be compared to the Doctor," Cisco muttered, then he threw his arms around Hartley in a fierce hug.  "Everyone keeps leaving but I never thought you would too.  I don't want you to go."

"And I can't stay without breaking my heart," Hartley replied, petting Cisco's hair while the other man sniffled against his shoulder.

* * *

"I heard you were leaving."

Hartley blinked and then frowned, subtly pinching himself to make sure that he wasn't having some sort of weird dream.

Nope, the pinch hurt.  Definitely awake... and facing Caitlin who looked... normal.

"How'd you hear that?  You've been incommunicado for months.  Ignoring Cisquito's calls; he's been very worried about you."  Hartley let his irritation with her seep into his voice even as he let her into his apartment.  He understood why she'd needed space.  But that was no excuse for not even texting the occasional 'I'm still alive, doing fine, not resorting to criminal uses of my powers, hope you're cool too' messages.

"I have been listening to his messages," Caitlin told him.  "Just... I've been too much of a coward, I guess, to call him back.  Or pick up the call at all.  But then last night I got a call from him and he was crying in the message.  Because you're leaving?"

"He was crying?" Hartley's voice went up in pitch and he felt a little sick.  Maybe this was a bad idea.  He hadn't formally accepted the job yet; he was planning on doing that in person that afternoon.

He thought of Cisco and Cynthia kissing and... no.  He needed to leave, for his own peace of mind.

"Yes.  My best friend was crying because of you.  I thought you agreed that would never happen again."  She was starting to look a touchy icy there...

"I told him about my crush on him," Hartley said quickly, seeing Caitlin's eyes soften back to normal.  "I really wasn't joking when I told you about that.  I kept hoping that maybe I'd finally move on, but it just won't happen. If anything my feelings for him just keep getting stronger.  But he's got this thing, whatever it is, with Cynthia and even if being from different realities is too much of a hurdle, Cisco's straight.  Why the hell my heart won't take that into consideration I don't understand..." Hartley's voice cracked and he realized, distantly, that he was getting a little teary-eyed.

Caitlin walked over and hugged him.  "I'm sorry, Hartley.  I was so wrapped up myself that I didn't take you seriously.  I'm so sorry."

"I don't want to leave him, Caitlin, but I can't stay.  I can't."

"I know.  I will."

"What?" he pulled away from her and looked at her quizzically.  "You will what?"

"Stay."  She smiled wanly at him.  "I'll stay.  I've been away long enough.  Besides, Cisco doesn't deserve to be stuck in this drafty old place with only Harry for company and since you really do need this... then I guess I'll have to stick around."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second chapter is in the works and will be from Cisco's PoV as he sorts himself out. Might take me a while to get it out though, as Cisco's got a lot of issues he's not sure he's ready to work out but needs to if he wants to figure out where he wants Hartley to be in his life.
> 
> * * *
> 
> So, for those following _Legends That Never Were_ and the _5 Times Cisco..._ series or _The Day After the World Ended_ I do intend to finish those. And I want to thank everyone who has sent them kudos and comments, because those have meant a lot. I haven't really been in a head space to respond, but I was really, really grateful to see those popping up.
> 
> Way back in March, I dislocated my knee. I talked about this some over in the notes for the _5 Times Cisco..._ story. In July I was on the mend, everything was looking up. And then one day, not feeling too good to start with (maybe cold, maybe allergies) and my knee was bugging me. I thought it was just an off day, nothing to be worried about. At least, not until that evening when I sat down to turn on the shower and stood up only to feel something slide out from under my kneecap into the still slightly swollen area next to it. Naturally, I freaked out.
> 
> There had been a bone chip hiding under my kneecap, probably aided by the fact that my knees sit higher than average (which is why they dislocate more easily than average) and it had evaded notice on x-rays because... bone can be hard to see beneath bone. So this re-aggravated my knee, undoing in a matter of days weeks worth of progress. I had to get an MRI to pinpoint the bone chip, wait for my insurance to approve surgery, have arthroscopic surgery (minimally invasive and the scars, at least, are nifty looking) and then start PT all over again. 
> 
> It was a lot worse going through all of this a second time. I did not have the spoons for anything outside of work or managing my injury and ended up dropping a lot of things that I usually enjoy because I'm already one of those people who cry easily, but with the spoon shortage lets just say even playing _Hogwarts Mystery_ could make me cry at the drop of a hat. (Or, ya know, a certain Professor refusing to do his job and possibly humiliating the PC in front of the entire class and surprisingly was not Snape. I'm also disappointed with certain supposedly empathic responses that any real Hufflepuff should know are cruel, shitty things to say to people. But whatever, the game is pretty clearly geared towards Gryffindors anyway.)
> 
> It hasn't been all bad news for me, though. My nephew was born in August and is adorable. My sister is not using him as an excuse to badger me about dating or having a family of my own, which was a big, big worry of mine as she's the sort of person to a.) think she should spread the happiness in her life to others so that they have the same sources of happiness as she does (instead of recognizing not everyone wants the same stuff as her) and b.) assume that she knows best, particularly when it comes to my life.
> 
> I've also gotten a weighted blanket that, while about five pounds too heavy for me to comfortably sleep under (I over estimated, should have under estimated instead), is awesome for sitting under while awake. It's helped a lot with how jittery I get at times when I want to move around but my legs are too tired or my knee aches too much. Though this is less and less of a worry as my knee gets stronger, it'll still be months before I'm feeling 100%.
> 
> I'm also getting back into video games that take more concentration than the average tablet game, which is good because _Kingdom Hearts 3_ is finally going to be released next month. I've had this game pre-ordered since pretty much day 1 and am curious to see who they got to replace Leonard Nimoy and Christopher Lee, as both voiced important characters and have both passed away in the many years since KH3 was announced. (Seriously, the wait has been ridiculous.)
> 
> For now, I'm trying to baby step my way back into writing fanfic. The _Legends That Never Were_ and the Cisco companion story are going to remain back burnered but I'm looking to knock out _The Day After the World Ended_ once I've got my head back in the game. For now I'll be perusing my incomplete stories for things I can either finish or that with some polishing may be worth sharing even in their incomplete status. That's where this story came from.


	2. Cisco

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cisco just wants to bring his best friend home from the Speed Force. He doesn't want to deal with things like his feelings about his gender or how he's actually really uncomfortable with his girlfriend's job or this weird ball of jealousy in his chest regarding Hartley or the way his grief for HR and even Dante keep sneaking up on him or how sometimes he's afraid of Caitlin...
> 
> Or how he's starting to think that maybe he's depressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter starts off pretty rough for Cisco. He's struggling with a lot on his plate and is pretty depressed, which he isn't ready to acknowledge even though everyone else can see it (and are super worried about him).
> 
> I'm trying pretty hard to be fair to Cynthia in the story. I mostly liked her on the show, but I was really relieved when she and Cisco broke up. I had major problems with the Collectors as an organization from the moment Cynthia was introduced, which made me leery of their relationship despite how cute they could be. Ultimately, I was glad Cisco rejected the Collectors and that it was the catalyst for him realizing that despite his feelings for Cynthia their relationship wasn't giving him what he needed and that it wasn't really either of their faults that they weren't working out. At any rate, Cisco spends more time dating her in this chapter than the original outline called for, but the original outline was a lot more dramatic than what I ended up going with too.
> 
> While this won't follow season 4 like Hartley's chapter did with season 3, there are quite a few nods in there to the season. Most notably, I've got Breacher as Cynthia's father and leader of the Collectors.
> 
> This chapter is a lot longer (sooooo much longer) than Hartley's. Cisco had a lot to say, apparently. Also I flubbed the timeline in a lot of places and did not catch it until after posting. *facepalm* So, uh, if something seems off timeline wise, let me know, I will make more edits.

Caitlin's first day back at STAR Labs is also Hartley's last day there before he moves to Dakota City.

Cisco doesn't want to resent her for that, but... he kind of does.  It's irrational and he tries not to show it, but he spends the whole day moping anyway.

The next day Cisco takes off of work, spending most of it with Hartley, helping him move and trying not to cry when he sees how empty Hartley's Central City apartment gets.  When there's nothing left, Cisco is standing there, surrounded by the ghosts of memories - times spent playing video games, eating dinner, watching movies or shows, talking about ideas for work, speculating about other metas' powers, Hartley promising to support Cisco no matter what his gender labels might be...

He doesn't cry.  It's a near thing, but he doesn't cry.  Instead he breaches back to Hartley's new apartment one more time and joins Hartley for dinner at a Thai place down the street.

Then, when Cisco breaches back home... its worse somehow.  Surrounded by his own things, but all he can think of is Hartley.  Hartley shooing Cisco out of his own kitchen.  Hartley asleep on his couch.  Hartley keeping Cisco from falling apart after Dante's death.  Hartley...

Curled up in his bed, Cisco cries himself to sleep.

In the morning he has to keep reminding himself that Hartley isn't in the lab across the hall anymore.  No more sharing bad jokes with him during the day, no more...

Cisco takes the afternoon off and spends the rest of the day wandering the park and trying not to feel like an awful person for being more affected by Hartley leaving for Dakota City than he did by Barry being imprisoned by the Speed Force.

* * *

Cynthia shows up again a few days later.

Cisco is doing better by then, but he's still thrown off balance by the combination of the warm curl of attraction to her and the sharp pain of knowing this was what drove Hartley away.

They go to lunch together and Cisco tries not to show anything other than cheerfulness at being with her.  It's not Cynthia's fault or his, not really, and...

About halfway through lunch, though, Cisco starts to feel uncomfortable for other reasons.  There's this feeling he gets sometimes when... being gendered doesn't feel right.  It's not that there's any overwhelming urge to go by they/them or that he/him necessarily feels wrong, but... its like an itch between the shoulder blades that gets a little worse every time someone just assumes Cisco is a guy.

Cynthia seems to realize something is wrong, but not what.  Maybe she feels an echo of Cisco's feelings or maybe something just shows on his face, but... lunch gets a little stilted towards the end.  When she asks whats wrong, Cisco tells her about Hartley's move and the Big Bang in Dakota City.

"It's important work and I'm really proud of him for taking the job, but... I miss having him around already."  Cisco doesn't mention Hartley's feelings towards him because that's... not really her business.  And he doesn't mention the way identifying as a guy suddenly felt like a shirt two sizes too small because... he doesn't know what Earth-19's social stance on gender identity is.  He could barely talk to his friends here about it and he knows they're all allies because they're all LGBT+ themselves, but...

For all he knows, Cynthia's been raised to believe in the gender binary and that deviation from that is a mental illness.  After all, a lot of people on Earth-1 certainly believed that sort of crap.

After she leaves, Cisco goes to the cozy little studio apartment HR had turned one of the break rooms into.  It's still the same as it was the day he'd died, electric kettle upended on the drying rack by the sink next to a French coffee press, a book case full of historical fiction and romance novels with ridiculous covers doubling as a bedside table, the bed itself made but rumpled...

Cisco sits down on the bed and then flops backwards to stare up at the ceiling where HR had, apparently, added glow in the dark stars.

"I could use your advice, HR," Cisco speaks into the quiet.  "I wish I'd asked about your Earth more.  I wish... I wish I'd done a better job at being your friend.  I miss you."

If HR were here, Cisco could ask him about Earth-19's cultural stance on LGBT+ issues.  But HR is dead.  Buried.

"I was the fun one, you know.  The goofy one.  Barry woke up and we all knew he was risking his life every time he went out there, alone, but... I knew someone had to be the cheerful one.  The one who... who bought lots of shots to check his alcohol tolerance 'for science' and totally not because it was hilarious watching him down the drinks in rapid succession and then look all pitiful 'cause he wasn't even buzzed.  You know, the one who smiled in order to make everyone else smile.  Or laugh.  Or just... remember to have fun.  Enjoy themselves now because who knew when something awful might happen.  But then a lot of awful things happened and... suddenly being the fun one wasn't easy anymore.

"When you showed up, you reminded me of how being happy used to be so much more effortless than it is now and I just.  I didn't react well.  And I'm sorry HR.  I'm so sorry.  I should have told you all of this when I had the chance."  Cisco's voice cracked a little and he rubbed away the tears he felt stinging his eyes.

* * *

"Alright, that's it."  Caitlin turned off the computer's monitor.  "You need a break.  You've been at this for days and you're getting no where."

"But Barry's depending on us to get him out..."

"And we will, but you're not doing him any good if you burn yourself out, okay?  When was the last time you talked to Hartley?"  Caitlin was in full on mother hen mode and Cisco knew there was no arguing with her like this.

He sighed and stood, stretching and grimacing as he realized he had pins and needles in one leg.  Too many hours sitting.  And he'd slept here a few nights too, which hopefully Caitlin didn't realize.  He'd been staying in HR's room and he was pretty sure she'd been avoiding that part of STAR Labs since coming back.

"Um..."  Cisco shrugged, "we texted over the weekend."  It had been horribly awkward.  Or at least it felt that way to Cisco.  What he wanted was to open up a breach and drag Hartley through and just... tell him he belonged here, in Central City, with Cisco.  Which would be completely unfair of Cisco because he didn't return Hartley's feelings.

Caitlin poked him in the shoulder.  "Call him tonight.  You'll feel better once you actually hear his voice.  But for now?  Get out of the lab.  Go play video games or read a book or just do something that isn't here.  If something comes up for Kid Flash, I'll be the voice in his ear, okay?  You go decompress."

"Yes Caitlin," Cisco huffed, feeling a little amused.

Of course... once he got back to his apartment, Cisco had no idea what to do with himself.  He could play _Breath of the Wild_ , he'd been wanting to play that one for a while - had specifically gotten a Switch to play it - and it was a single player game so it wasn't something he'd planned to play with Hartley, but...

It was hard to sit on the couch and play games and not think of Hartley.  Just like how at work he couldn't not think of Barry every time he passed the cortex and saw the Flash suit on display...

How long would Captain Singh keep Barry's job open for him?  Was Barry really okay in the Speed Force?  It always looked like a storm filled void to Cisco, full of thunder and lightning.  But to Speedsters it was like one of the visions granted by the Prophets on _Deep Space Nine_ : trippy, life-altering, non-linear, and potentially dangerous.  And for all that the Speed Force had promised Barry wouldn't be suffering under punishment, the Speed Force had more of a blue and orange view of morality and life in general so who knew what punished vs. not punished even looked like?

Surely he could just vpn to the STAR Labs system from home and keep working.  It wasn't like Caitlin would notice...

She'd notice.  She'd probably put an alert on his login in case he did exactly that.  Or temporarily disabled the vpn.

Cisco sighed and turned on Netflix, picked a show at random off his queue and somehow wound up with one of the _How to Train Your Dragon_ spin off shows playing.  He didn't even remember adding that to his queue... though it was exactly the sort of show he liked to watch.

Stretching out on the couch, Cisco closed his eyes for just a few minutes...

* * *

He was disoriented when he woke up and found his TV counting down to auto shut off.  Cisco didn't remember falling asleep.  He'd thought he was too wound up for that, but... apparently Caitlin had a point about needing to decompress because he felt better and awful all at once.

Cisco didn't feel like cooking but not really like putting in the effort of getting take out or ordering food either.  So he wandered to his fridge and assessed the contents, eventually settling on a frozen pizza.  Once that was in the oven, he headed back over to turn the tv on again, maybe start the dragon show over so he could actually watch it this time... and he hesitated at the sight of his phone.

Caitlin had told him to call Hartley.  But... he didn't want to be a bother.  Hartley had left Central City to get away from him, after all.

No, no, that wasn't fair of him.

Cisco picked up the phone and called Hartley.

"Cisco!" Hartley sounded happy and Cisco felt his chest clench a little in jealousy.

Why couldn't he be happy too?

"Hey Hartley."

"Are you okay?  You sound... more down than normal."

"I am," Cisco admitted, running a hand through his sleep mussed hair.  "I've been... it's been a bad week I guess.  Caitlin sent me home early 'cause I think she could hear my brain spinning in circles.  I'm getting nowhere fast when it comes to bringing Barry back."

"I've had some ideas for that; I was going to send you what I've come up with once I iron out one or two more things.  Probably Friday morning?  That sounds about right.  Maybe that'll help you get back on track?"

"Yeah, probably."  Cisco wanted to complain about how he worked better with Hartley there in person.  But he didn't want to guilt trip Hartley either.  Why couldn't they have just gone on the way they had been?  Why did Hartley have to go catch feelings and ruin everything... and, no, that wasn't fair either.

Cisco sniffled softly and managed not to tear up.

"Cisco... do you need me to come over?"

Yes.  "No.  Just have the sniffles.  Hopefully its just allergies and not a cold."  It wasn't either.  If it was anything at all it was...

Maybe Cisco was a little depressed.  Nothing he couldn't handle on his own, though.

"If you say so," Hartley sounded dubious.

"Tell me about how your work is going?  Meet any metas with especially cool powers yet?"

That was all it took to launch Hartley into a story about a little girl who could bring comic book characters to life - but only one at a time - and she kept alternating between Snoopy and Hobbes.  It was adorable and seemed, for now, fairly harmless.  The characters only lasted an hour or so and didn't seem to keep their memories from one 'loop' to the next, so Hartley wasn't too worried about her trying to bring manga characters to life as her boyfriend or girlfriend as she got older.  Cisco switched Hartley to speaker and curled back up on the couch, smiling as something unclenched inside him at the sound of Hartley's genuine joy.  

"Maybe she'll bring the Avengers to life as she gets older.  Or Daredevil.  Just imagine, literal comic book characters stopping crime for her," Cisco opined.

"Or they'll think she kidnapped them and it'll go terribly," Hartley pointed out.  "It's not really just comic book characters - any drawing will do.  Not television, though.  She knows better than to summon dragons or anything dangerous, but a kid's idea of dangerous and an adults idea are... wildly different at times.  Her parents are freaked, but... she's not their only kid, either.  Their older son snuck out the night of the Big Bang to go to a party and he got hit with the chemicals on his way back.  So the girl got it second hand from him.  He's in the hospital in a coma and his skin is silver; no idea yet what his powers might be or if he'll even wake up.  So the girl is just trying to keep herself entertained and out of the way."

"So like Barry after he was first struck by lightning," Cisco filled in, the story having swung around from cute and funny to tragic all too fast.  "That's awful.  I remember how devastated Iris and Joe were during those nine months.  And now more people are suffering that same way..."

"We've got a lot of grief counselors on staff for that very reason," Hartley told him.  "It does seem that Dakota City's got its own super hero already, though.  One of the gang leaders that started the fight that led to the Big Bang got some pretty fascinating powers - shadow walking or something like that - and he was using that to steal things.  But he got beaten by someone calling themselves Static Shock.  Anyway, I was able to adapt your design for the power dampening cuffs to work on Ebon - the shadow walking gang leader - so he's in jail now."

"Hopefully this Static Shock's powers aren't anything like Blackout's were."  Cisco shuddered a little.  "You weren't at STAR Labs at the time, but his name was Farooq Gibran and he had electricity based powers that manifested the night of the accelerator explosion.  His abilities killed his friends by accident and made him starving for electricity.  It was... it was really horrible what the accelerator did to him.  I couldn't really blame him, even then, for how much he hated Dr. Wells for doing that to him."

"Its probably for the best I never met him," Hartley mused, voice a little weak.  "Imagine how much trouble he and I would've gotten in together."

It didn't really bear thinking.

"Anyway, no one's really sure what the chemical mixture was that caused the Big Bang.  There were a number of warehouses damaged that night and a lot of chemicals were spilled.  I've been considering poking around as the Piper.  Just to see if anything untoward is being covered up."

"Hartley... if you do, call me or Caitlin.  You need someone to be the voice in your ear, just in case, and... I can always breach to where you are if you need backup."

"I promise.  No poking around without having you on stand by."

The oven timer went off.

"Having dinner a little late?" Hartley asked, clearly recognizing the sound.

"Yeah, I fell asleep after Caitlin sent me home.  I didn't mean to so I must have really needed it."  Cisco grabbed the phone as he stood up to head to the oven.

"You are taking care of yourself, right?"  Then immediately, "of course you are.  Sorry.  I just... worry.  I'm not there and... I'm afraid I made the wrong choice in leaving even though I think I really needed to get out of Central for a while."

"How's your new therapist?" Cisco asked, diverting the conversation from the suddenly uncomfortable subject matter.  He turned off the timer and heat.  Then, as Hartley started talking again, moved his pizza onto the stove to cool

"Perky.  I'm not sure I'm really clicking with him.  Nothing against him, just... not what I need from a therapist.  If our next session isn't any better, I'll try someone else.  Dr. Andrea had a few different recommendations for me to try, so I'll just move down the list until I find someone who fits."  Hartley sounded weirdly happy about that, though.  "So aside from Caitlin having to order you to go home, how are things at STAR Labs with her, Wally, and Harry?"

"Wally's enjoying his internship. I gave him a Minion themed t-shirt and he thought it was pretty funny. Harry went home this morning, but promised to be back on Saturday.  I'm starting to think something is going on with him on Earth-2.  Something he's avoiding."  Cisco hunted around in his drawers for his pizza cutter.  "He's been edgy whenever I ask how his STAR Labs is doing with him being gone so often.  Jesse should be coming with him this weekend, though, so I may just grill her for answers instead."

"I hope everything is going okay for him.  There's not a lot we can do for him if STAR Labs is having problems on Earth-2, though."

"Yeah.  It sucks.  He's edgy about that.  I'm still awkward around Caitlin even though I don't mean to be.  I just... she says she has Killer Frost under control, but..."

"You're scared anyway?" Hartley sounded sympathetic, at least.

"She's been my friend for years and I'm scared of her.  What kind of friend does that make me?"

"Cisco, Caitlin's alter ego threatened to freeze your hands off.  You're entitled to be scared of her.  That isn't a reflection on you as her friend.  It doesn't make you a bad person."

"Then why do I feel so awful all the time?"

There was a long silence on Hartley's side of the line and then... the text received sound emanated from Cisco's phone.  "Okay, so I just sent you the number for Dr. Andrea.  I want you to at least consider calling her and making an appointment or getting a referral."

"Hartley, I... I don't think I need therapy."

"Maybe you don't, but... you can't hear the way you sound to me.  I just... I know there's more wrong than you're telling me.  Maybe because you can't put it to words or because you just don't want to talk about it, but... I'm worried about you.  So this is me trying to help."  Hartley paused and then added, "I know the group therapy helped you with moving on from Dante's death.  But I... I was a little worried you stopped going too soon and now I'm thinking I should have said something back then."

"I'm going to have dinner now, okay."  Cisco's hands were shaking a little.  He didn't want to talk about this anymore.

"Please, Cisco, just think about it."

"Fine.  I'll think about it.  Good night, Hartley."

"... good night, Cisco."

Cisco jabbed the call end button and realized he was breathing a little hard.  No wonder Hartley thought he needed therapy.  But... this was just a bad day.  He'd be fine in the morning.

He just needed a good night's sleep.

* * *

Cisco did indeed feel better in the morning.  The mental block he had the day before regarding Barry's predicament was gone and he just knew he was going to make great progress.  So he didn't check the number Hartley had texted him and he didn't give the idea of therapy any thought.

He was fine.

... for now.

* * *

"Hey, so what's going on with your dad?"

"What do you mean?" Jesse asked, frowning.

"It's just... he gets really cagey when I ask about your Earth's STAR Labs.  Is everything okay over there?  Can he really afford to be spending so much time here?"

"Ah... that.  I'm sorry, I thought he'd told you all already.  But of course he hasn't."

"What hasn't he told us?" Cisco tried not to sound as impatient as he felt.

"Dad came clean last year about the Accelerator being responsible for releasing the Dark Matter that created all the metas.  There was a pretty big public backlash against the company.  His work with Gorilla City was supposed to help mitigate some of the bad press, but... well things went sideways and didn't pan out.  The shareholders ended up demanding a review and there were a lot of people calling for him to be arrested for criminal negligence.  The review cleared him of wrong-doing eventually and there's no evidence of negligence, but... his name is pretty badly tarnished right now.  My friends have stood by me and since... since I was kidnapped by Zoom the press has been fairly kind to me despite putting dad through the wringer.  Dad's... stepped down as CEO.  He's still the majority share holder so he didn't have to, but... he said he wanted to do what was best for STAR Labs.  He still has his personal lab there and can do pretty much whatever work he wants.  It's just... not the same.  He's happier over here, I think.  Working with you and Caitlin... its less stressful for him."  She checked her watch.  "Sorry to dump all this on you and run, but I'm supposed to meet Wally in, like, a minute from now across town, so I gotta go."

Cisco nodded numbly and waved her off.  On the one hand, he was oddly proud of Harry for coming forward and accepting the consequences of his actions.  On the other hand, he wished Harry would have just told them what was going on.  Still, at least now Cisco could be supportive... right?

He had no idea what to do to help, though.

* * *

"Are you okay, Cisco?"

"I'm fine," Cisco assured Cynthia, wishing people would stop asking him that.  Sometimes it felt like that was all he got asked these days.  Hell, even Tracey kept asking and she didn't really seem to like any of them since HR died.

"You just seem down."  Which was another thing they kept saying.

"Well, I can't really get it out of my head that my best friend is stuck in the Speed Force," Cisco tried very much not to snap.  He wasn't sure how successful he'd been and tried to soften his response with, "sorry.  Yeah, I'm down.  But..."

"But not without reason," Cynthia filled in, snuggling next to him on the couch.  "How about I give you something else to think about for a little while?"  She smiled, seductively, and kissed Cisco.

And it was nice.  Really nice.  10/10 distracting from problems, would do again.  Only, they had to breathe eventually and Cisco's intrusive thoughts came back.

"So, um, I had some questions about Earth-19."

"Sure.  Like what?"

Cisco swallowed feeling like a bundle of nerves.  He could do this.  It wasn't like he was coming out to her yet, he was just... feeling out her receptiveness to him maybe being queer.  "Like, how are people who id as LGBT treated there?"

"No one really has a problem with people who are gay or bi," Cynthia told him, straightening up a little.  "Lesbian never really caught on as a separate term for gay women on my Earth, but they're accepted too.  But... we're kinda behind on trans issues.  Which is unfortunate.  I mean, I've seen Earths where trans people and non-binary genders are treated as totally normal and I didn't get it at first and I guess maybe I still don't really understand, but I've been trying to... and it makes me wish my Earth was that open.  And I think it was one of the 20-something Earths where I first heard that A stood for anything other than ally.  So I guess the answer is that we're not too different from this Earth, maybe a decade or so behind in some ways and a decade or so ahead in others?"  She shrugged.  "Where's this coming from?"

"I... I guess there was a lot about Earth-19 that I never had a chance to ask HR.  Or, well, I did have the chance but I just didn't think of it and now..."

"I'm really sorry he's dead.  He was one of my favorite authors."

Something about her statement chaffed a little, but Cisco had no idea what.  So he let her distract him with more kissing, but it wasn't quite as... effective in blanking out his mind this time around.  And later that night, when she was asleep in bed next to him and Cisco couldn't sleep, he picked up his cell phone and finally looked at the text Hartley had sent, the one with Dr. Andrea's number, and wondered if maybe Hartley had a point.

Cisco had a hot girlfriend and supportive friends and he felt like utter shit half the time.  More than half the time.

He saved the number to his contacts.

But in the morning he still didn't call.

* * *

The vibe came on unexpectedly.  A man appearing out of a breach in Central City's park.  The clock in the distance striking 1 o'clock, twenty minutes from now.  There was something wrong with the man's arm and he looked terrified.  There was a device in his hand that Cisco knew instinctively was a device capable of artificially creating breaches.  It didn't look like the tech Cisco and Hartley had created, but he just knew that's what it did.  Even though it clearly wasn't working any more because the man kept pressing a button and nothing would happen.  Then time seemed to shiver and the clock was striking 1:30 and another breach opened.  Another man came through - stalked through - and dragged the first man away.

Cisco could feel that first man's terror, his certainty that he was going to die.  And he could feel the second man's belief that he was just doing his job and that this was justice.

And then Cisco was left gasping for breath.  He could save that man.  Maybe.  The question, he supposed, was would it really be the right thing to do?

He called Wally after he finished suiting up as Vibe.  "I need you to meet me at the park right now.  Over by the largest fountain.  As Kid Flash.  I... I had a vibe, okay?"

"You got it, Cisco.  See ya there."

One breach later and Cisco and Wally were getting weird looks for being super heroes in the park.

"So, um, Vibe, what are we doing here?"

"In about five minutes, some guy is going to breach through here.  He'll be injured and scared and start heading that way," Cisco gestured towards the forested area of the park where a lot of the local schools would do nature walks in the Spring.  About half an hour later, though, another guy - older with powers like mine instead of a device like the first guy'll have - and drags the first guy back through to whichever version of Earth they come from."

"Okay... so?"

"So we find out what the first guy is running from.  If he's a good person, we help him.  If he's not a good person, we try to make sure he's locked up humanely."

Wally nodded.  "Sounds good."

"Right."

"So... five minutes, huh?"

"More like four at this point."

Wally scuffed his foot against the ground.

Cisco arched an eyebrow.  "Something wrong, Kid Flash?"

"Just... bored?"

Cisco face-palmed.  "Speedsters," he muttered.  "Never any patience."

Wally laughed and his bright grin made Cisco brighten a little.

The minutes ticked by and then... the breach opened just like Cisco had seen and a man with a broken arm tumbled through.  As if on cue, the clock in the distance began striking the hour.

"Hey," Cisco greeted.  "Welcome to Earth-1."

"H-how did you know I would be here?"  The man demanded, throwing a panicked look at Wally.  "Are you a speedster?"

"Yup.  I'm called Kid Flash.  This is Vibe," he gestured to Cisco and, rather understandably, their breacher freaked right out.

He jabbed a button on the device on his arm, but nothing happened.  He stepped back, scared and clearly about to try running despite there being a confirmed speedster standing right next to him.

Holding up his hands peacefully, Cisco said, "yes, I'm a viber, but I'm not here to drag you back to where ever you came from.  I had a vision of your arrival earlier and someone else is on the way here for you.  But you've got some time.  So how about we go somewhere else - somewhere shielded - and you can tell us your story."

"And then you'll, what, send me back to Earth-19 to die?  I've heard of you.  You're one of Gypsy's allies who brought in Abra Cadabra."

While that murderous techno wizard had needed to be stopped, Cisco could understand why his involvement in that could make other Earth-19 escapees nervous. "Sometimes, yes, we are allies.  But I also protected HR Wells from her because he came here from your Earth to help save lives."  Cisco hated using HR's name like that because even though it was true, HR had died anyway.  But they had to give this guy some reason to trust them... right?

The man stared at Cisco for a long moment and then, slowly, nodded.  "Okay.  I'll trust you."

Cisco opened a breach back to STAR Labs and politely ignored the way their visitor flinched at the sight.  Then he led the way through, happy to be back in a place of safety and away from all the staring faces.

"If someone other than me tries to breach in, they'll be redirected to a specific room in the building and a bunch of alarms will go off," Cisco told him.  "So we'll have time to get you out of here even if the person after you..."

"Breacher."

Cisco and Wally exchanged a confused look.  "Is that your name or his?" Wally asked.

"His.  They guy who's after me.  His name is Breacher.  He's... he's the leader of the Collectors.  I never thought they'd send someone like him, but... oh, shit, I'm screwed.  I'm so screwed.  You might as well just hand me over when he gets here, because..."

"Whoa, hey, calm down."  Cisco patted the guy's arm.  "What's your name?"

"Jacob.  Jacob Grant."

"Leaving Earth-19 without permission is an automatic death sentence; why would you risk that?"  Cisco did his best to concentrate on Jacob's emotions, trying to get a feel for whether he'd answer truthfully or not.  It was easiest to do this with Cynthia - they'd both been tuning into each other by accident for a while now.  But sometimes he could do this with Hartley and Caitlin too.  Now he just... needed to do it on purpose.

"I didn't have any other choice.  I'm a political activist and I'd been leading the opposition against some of the local laws regarding curfews.  We were trying to get the definition of political bribery broadened.  I was arrested during a peaceful protest and given a fifteen year sentence for rioting, resisting arrest, and assaulting an officer of the law.  None of that happened, but it didn't matter.  They wanted someone from our movement to make an example of and I was high ranking enough to make a useful piece of propaganda.  But someone was trying to kill me in jail.  One of the guards maybe?  I had to escape for my own safety, but then... there was no where safe on Earth-19.  I don't know why they were so intent on killing me.  One of the people helping me was able to get me this prototype breach device to escape our Earth.  It was only good for a few jumps though."

Everything felt like the truth.  At least, Cisco thought that's what he was feeling from the guy meant.

"Can I try and vibe off of you?  I might be able to see something that helps you make sense of what's happening to you, but mostly I just want to corroborate your story."

"I..."  Jacob recoiled and then closed his eyes, letting out a shaky breath.  "Yes."  He opened his eyes, growing determined.  "If it means you'll help me, then yes."

This time when Cisco reached out to touch Jacob's shoulder, he reached out with his mind to see the multiverse spinning around them.  It was overwhelming and beautiful and there were strings... or more like threads, really, leading from Jacob into the past, touching Star Labs and Central City Park and a few other worlds - a few close calls with the man called Breacher - and then seeming to disappear through the void between realities, mixing with the rest of the universe and so very difficult to follow... but Cisco traced it back anyway.  He knew the feel of Earth-19 and he looked there, picking up glimpses of Jacob hiding in safe rooms, in cellars, in a hidden compartment in a car.  Of Jacob listening in horror as someone he barely knew was tortured for information on his location and bring torn between wanting to turn himself in to save that woman and knowing that doing so would potentially wind up damning the whole network.  Jacob escaping from jail with three other men and not knowing what happened to them after they all split up.  Jacob in prison with a shiv grazing his side and none of the inmates claimed credit for it.  Jacob barely escaping a faulty automatic door that would have crushed him.  Jacob on trial and bewildered because he didn't do what they were saying, none of the witnesses had even been there, he was being set up and no one was doing anything.  He'd known things were bad here, but not this bad.  Jacob being arrested but trying not to panic because he hadn't done anything wrong and this was a misunderstanding.  He'd... he'd be okay.

Cisco pulled out of the vibe with a gasp, stumbling back and feeling like they were drowning.  "Right, okay, that was..." that was really fucking intense, but Cisco didn't think saying that would help Jacob's state of mind.  "I didn't see anything to explain why they singled you out, but your story was confirmed.  I think... I think I know somewhere safe you can go where Earth-19 won't be able to go after you.  There's... there's this other Earth."  Earth-38, though they weren't about to say the name out loud in case someone vibed the conversation.  "They take in a lot of refugees there - usually aliens from other worlds, but I think they'll handle a human from a parallel reality just fine.  If you're considered a citizen of their Earth, it'll mean risking an inter-dimensional political incident to get you back."  Cisco also thought they could try something - obscuring the trail so that others with their powers couldn't follow.  Maybe hop around to a few different Earths first to shake any potential tails...

"You're serious.  You'll help me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because what's the point of even having these powers if I don't use them to help save lives?"

"That's really idealistic of you."  Jacob sighed and then shrugged.  "But I suppose, then, that I'm an idealist too.  If you think this will work, then... I would like to try."

Cisco opened a breach to Earth-2, somewhere in un-populated in their version of South America.  "We're going to take the long route, okay?  Just in case."

Jacob nodded and walked through the breach.

"Wally, you need to stay here.  In case this Breacher guy shows up, you need to keep him distracted as long as you can, okay?"

Wally nodded, looking unhappy.  "Alright.  But if he fights like Gypsy... I'm going to see if I can get Jesse to join me, just in case.  Maybe see if Caitlin minds having Frost play back up?"

"Whatever you think you need to do for backup, okay.  I'll be back ASAP."  Then they... he?  Cisco shuddered and curled his hands into fists, pushing down the confusion he felt from delving into a vibe so deeply and voluntarily.  This wasn't the time to be freaking out over how he perceived his gender.

Steeling himself for what was to come, Cisco walked through the breach.

* * *

The DEO had not been thrilled to have Cisco and Jacob show up on their doorstep.  But Kara vouched for Cisco as soon as she showed up - which was speedster levels fast - and J'onn J'onzz had been very sympathetic to Jacob's story once he arrived (and also vouched for Cisco).  It was decided that Jacob would be granted temporary refugee status and, after some more questioning, would be allowed to start the process of being naturalized as a citizen of Earth-38's version of the United States.

Unfortunately, Cisco had to break the news about Barry to Kara.  She was optimistic that surely Cisco would bring Barry home, safe and sound, soon.

Cisco wasn't sure optimism was what he really needed right now.

When he finally got back to STAR Labs, the cortex was a mess of ice and water.  Frost was the only one out of the group - which did indeed include Jesse, so it seemed Wally had been able to contact her before Breacher arrived - who looked pleased.  Cisco's hands felt cold at the sight of her self satisfied smirk.  The trio had apparently delayed Breacher at STAR Labs in a fight that had spanned from the Breach Room down several halls and into a stairwell before finally winding up in the cortex.  Breacher finally figured out at that point that Jacob Grant wasn't there anymore and breached out of the building and, presumably, their Earth.

The protective glass on the display of the Flash suit was broken and the suit itself had been knocked askew and frozen along one arm.  Cisco knew that normally seeing that would upset him.  Normally he'd throw a fit over the damage to his suit and snark at Frost and then start cleaning up everything himself while guilt tripping the rest of them into helping.  Probably all with a smile on his face.  But right now he was tired and numb and trying not to think about what was going to happen the next time Cynthia showed up because it probably wasn't going to be for a date.  She was going to be there as Gypsy and she was going to be pissed.

Exhausted, Cisco grabbed the nearest chair, righted it, and then settled onto it, burying his face in his hands.

"Is he okay?" Frost asked.

Fuck.  And now even Caitlin's mean room mate was asking that stupid question.

* * *

"Ramon, what are you doing in here?"

Cisco didn't even look up to acknowledge Harry.  He just kept lying back on the bed, staring up at the stars on the ceiling.  "Failing to nap, mostly."

"In HR's room?"

"It's not like he's using it anymore."  Cisco curled up on his side, towards the wall.  "I'm just tired.  But I'm fine, okay?"

"Sure you are.  Just like I've been fine."  Harry dragged a chair over from the desk HR had used for writing his novel.

"You know... not too long after I started spending time here again, I found Rathaway drunk in one of the break rooms.  He'd started off in here, I think, but had wandered away.  Because he felt guilty about HR's death.  He was blaming himself and self destructing rather spectacularly.  I was relieved when, after his hangover, he managed to find a constructive outlet for his feelings after all."  Harry paused a beat and then said, "you know it isn't your fault, right?  None of it.  Not HR's death or Barry being trapped in the Speed Force or Hartley needing some time away from Central City."

"I knew HR was feeling useless, like he wasn't contributing to the team because he wasn't a super hero or a scientist or both."  Cisco rolled over so that he was staring up at the stars again.  "I tried to tell him it wasn't true.  That he contributed something really important to the team.  But... I didn't know how to say it right.  That was the last time I saw him.  He needed to hear that he was important and I think I messed it up."

"Or you said exactly what he needed to hear."  Harry shrugged when Cisco finally looked over at him.  "I didn't like HR.  I thought he was useless... but I was wrong.  I hate admitting to being wrong and I hate owning up to it even more, but somehow it really bothers me that I can't apologize to him for it.  I don't think you messed things up, Ramon.  I think you told HR what he needed to hear so that he knew the people whose happiness he intended to sacrifice himself to protect, cared about him just as much as he cared about them.  Because HR was nothing if not good at putting up a smiling front and if he let you see behind that to his uncertainty and self doubt... then he'd already decided his path."

"Why didn't you tell us how bad things were getting for you on Earth-2?"

"Because I fucked up and these are the consequences of my actions," Harry responded immediately.  "There isn't really anything any of you can do and... I guess I was afraid that you'd all..."

"We wouldn't pity you," Cisco filled in after Harry let the silence go on for a little too long.  "We like you too much and think you're too much of a dick to pity you."

Harry laughed, a sort of surprised sound.  "I know.  I wasn't ready for sympathy."

"Ah.  Now that, I understand."  Cisco sat up and moved to hang his legs over the side of the bed, feel the ground beneath his feet.  "Everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay.  I wish they'd stop."

"No you don't.  Trust me; you don't want to be the guy who never gets asked if he's okay.  Annoying as it is, its better to have someone pestering you with questions about your life and your welfare when you feel so terrible and certain that the answer should be obvious than it is to be the guy that no one asks because they don't care.  Because I've been that guy.  It's worse."

"Hartley thinks I need therapy."

"Annoying as Rathaway is, he's generally a smart guy."

"Thank god he's not hearing this, he would be ranting at you about how he's a freaking genius, thank you very much."  But Cisco was smiling, a sort of sad smile but a smile nonetheless.

Harry smirked and laughed again.  "That's half the fun of needling him."  His expression gentled some.  "Rathaway is your friend and he's seeing the same thing all of us are seeing.  You're struggling with something we either can't help you with or you're not comfortable letting us help with.  Either way, therapy is a valid option, one that is working for him and has helped you in the past.  I'm not surprised he's recommending you give it another go."

Cisco picked at the quilt atop the bed, too many different topics swirling in his brain to know what to say.  What comes out is, "Hartley left because of me."

"No, he didn't.  Though, I do get why it feels that way to you.  He left because of himself.  And he'll come back when he's ready.  But none of that is your fault.  He's trying, in his own way, to protect the friendship he has with you."  Harry stood up and stretched.  "Anyway, I've just about used up my quota of being nice to people who aren't Jesse, so... take better care of yourself, Ramon."

* * *

Nervously, Cisco drummed his fingers along the arm rest of his couch as he waited for the phone to stop ringing and pick up.

"You've reached the office of Dr. Andrea Cho.  I'm currently with a patient, but please leave your name, number, and reason for calling at the tone and I will get back to you as soon as possible.  I am currently accepting new patients, though there is a one week wait before I will be able to see any prospective patients.  For current patients, if you're having an emergency and need to contact me directly, please hang up and use my emergency number immediately."

"Uh, hi," Cisco said nervously, once the tone sounded, "my name is Cisco Ramon."  He rattled off his phone number, "and I, um... I've having problems with depression lately and would like to... to get some help working through it.  I was recommended your name by a friend of mine, a former patient of yours.  Hartley Rathaway.  Thanks..." he repeated his name and number again then hung up before he could think better of it.  It was a terrible message, horribly awkward.  But she probably got a lot of awkward voicemails.

He sat there for a few more long minutes before, finally, getting to his feet, grabbing what he needed for work, and breaching to STAR Labs.

* * *

"Holy shit."

"That is not encouraging to hear," Cisco said.  "Do you need me to breach you out?  Or join you?"  He was already decked out in his Vibe suit, just in case Hartley needed backup.

"No, I just... I know what caused the metahumans here.  Why so many are in comas or dying.  This is bad."

"Ha-Piper, just tell me what you've found."

"Dequantified plasma."

"Mierda."  Cisco breathed in sharply and then let out a shaky breath.  "Please tell me that you aren't in the same room with actual quantum juice."

"No, it looks like it's all gone.  But with all the people exposed to it... there are going to be a lot more deaths in the next few months as the ones who didn't stabilize immediately start falling apart."

Dequantified plasma was a pipe dream, or so Cisco had thought.  He'd read a few theoretical papers on it back in college and thought it sounded cool.  Deadly, but really cool.  The theory was that because it could randomize Planck's constant it could induce super human abilities... assuming that the person exposed didn't die in agony not unlike that one senator from the first _X-Men_ movie, mutating out of control until he just... died.  But no one had ever managed to actually create the stuff... until now.

"I'll start looking into who the biggest names are in the research field," Cisco said, already pulling up access to the scientific journals that covered the relevant fields of study.

"It would have to be someone connected to the police."

"What?"  Cisco asked flatly.

"This is the warehouse where the police stores their unused equipment.  Or it was before it exploded.  From what I can tell, one of the gang members must have been hit with tear gas laced with the dequantified plasma, rapidly mutated until he... until he became a human bomb and took out all the warehouses around him.  And a few of those also exploded, making things worse and spreading the plasma beyond the warehouse district."

"So... so the mutations began before the explosion," Cisco theorized numbly.  "The warehouses going up in flames were just a convenient cover up.  Which means that someone in the Dakota PD had to have known there was something wrong with the tear gas to begin with."

"We should bring our favorite reporter in on this.  Give her something to be outraged over to distract her from who she's missing."  There was some rustling on Hartley's end and then, "alright, I've got all the data copied to my drive.  Open up a breach."

Cisco was way ahead of him.  He didn't hug Hartley in relief when the other man stepped into the cortex, but it was a really near thing.

"It's lucky there was any data left on the computer."  Cisco said, making grabby hands for the drive.

"It looked pretty bad on the outside, all covered in soot and dinged up, but it was all mostly cosmetic.  Booted up surprisingly fast for a Windows XP too."

"The bad guys should be in jail for still using that OS alone," Cisco grumbled.  "I bet they still used Internet Explorer 6 too."

"You know... Harrison was still using that for all the internal web interfaces when I started working here.  It's one of the reasons I couldn't believe he was a time traveling speedster.  That he'd sought out the Reverse Flash for future healing tech?  Sure, totally plausible.  But a time traveler who thought IE6 was a viable work browser?  Oh hell no."

"No... no way.  But we were all using a custom Linux OS and browser by the time I got here."

"Yeah, I..." Hartley flushed.  "You know that he and I... we were involved for a while."

Cisco nodded, not liking the way his chest felt tight at the reminder of how Wells had treated Hartley.

"Anyway.  I sort of brow beat him into the twenty-first century.  I mean, he aimed to change entire fields of science but couldn't be bothered to stay up to date with the latest computer advancements?  It was sad."  Hartley smiled wistfully.  "He did a good job of playing me, but... at least not all the memories are bad."

Impulsively, Cisco reached out and snagged Hartley's hand for a few seconds, giving it a quick squeeze before letting go.

* * *

"We need to talk."  Cynthia strode into Cisco's lab, restrained fury in her every line.  She looked gorgeous like that and... Cisco felt a little exhausted just looking at her.  Maybe from the echoes of the fight they hadn't had yet.

"It'll have to wait," Cisco told her.  "I've got an appointment in twenty minutes and I need to leave now to get there on time."

"You need to reschedule it; this is important."

"Will anyone die or be maimed if you have to wait an hour and a half to talk to me?"  Cisco asked, curious.

"No..."

"Then no, I don't need to reschedule this.  I'm not missing my first therapy appointment just because you're pissed off at me."  Cisco grabbed the keys to one of the STAR Labs vans and his wallet.  He quickly flipped through it, checking to make sure his health insurance card was where he thought it'd be.

It was.

"Therapy?"

"Yes.  Therapy.  I've been... not great lately and I'm finally doing something about it and I'm not... I'm not putting off getting help that I really do need just so you can shout at me."

"An hour and a half?"

"Maybe longer, maybe less.  I've got an hour long appointment, but since its my first appointment its more of an interview and setting boundaries and seeing if I can actually trust her the way I need to if she's going to be my therapist.  So..." he walked over to her where she stood blocking the door.  "I really need to go."

"R-right.  Sorry."  Cynthia moved out of the way.  "You'll come back here?  Or should I wait at your place?"

"Here."  If they argued at his apartment he wouldn't be able to feel relaxed there afterwards.

Cynthia nodded stiffly, not pleased but at least understanding.  That was... that was good, right?

* * *

"So, uh... how was you're appointment?"  Cynthia seemed calmer when Cisco got back to the lab.

"Good, I guess.  Awkward.  I did group therapy after Dante died, but being one on one with a therapist is... very different.  I can see why Hartley liked her as his therapist before he moved, though."  Cisco shrugged, not really sure what to say about it.  "I feel pretty comfortable around her, so at least I don't need to keep looking for a different therapist."

Cynthia frowned.  "You can do that?  Shop around for a therapist you like, I mean?"

Cisco nodded slowly.  "Yeah, I mean... if you don't feel comfortable with your therapist - if you don't feel like you can trust them - then how are you supposed to get better?"

"After... after my partner died, I had mandatory therapy.  In the Collectors the therapist is chosen for you, you don't choose them."  Cynthia shrugged.  "Just a difference between our Earths, I guess."

Another tick in the 'Earth-19 was very dictatorial' column.

"How come you didn't tell me you were having problems?" Cynthia blurted out after a long moment of uncomfortable silence between them.

"Honestly?  I didn't want to admit to myself I was feeling depressed.  I wanted to pretend it would just... go away if I waited long enough."  Cisco settled into his lab chair, dropping his cell phone and wallet in his usual drawer.  "I get down sometimes, but usually its not for long and I bounce back pretty quickly.  But this is different."

"What can I do to help?"

Cisco smiled and felt warmth bloom in his chest.  "Right now?  I have no idea yet, but it helps knowing I've got your support in this."

She reached out to take his hand and for a moment they just sat together in silence, much more comfortable this time.  But...

"As much as I appreciate the support, that isn't why you're here."

Cynthia let her hand fall away from Cisco's.  "I'm here because of that stunt you pulled with the fugitive, Jacob Grant."

"How's he doing?"  Cisco asked facetiously, leaning back in his chair and knowing full well that Grant was still doing just fine on Earth-38.  Kara or J'onzz would've contacted him if anything had happened.

"No idea, we can't find him."

"Good."

"He's a criminal, Cisco.  He's hurt people and he belongs on Earth-19 where he'll face justice for what he's done."

"You mean death."

"Sometimes death is justice."

Cisco didn't believe that - couldn't believe that - but he wasn't prepared to argue over that point either.  So he let it drop, moving on to more salient points in hopes that maybe whatever big fight he'd been almost-not-really vibing earlier could be averted.  "What crimes aside from leaving an unjust imprisonment and reality hopping did he actually commit?"

"He started riots!  He undermined our system of government!  People died because of him!"  Gypsy - because that's who she was right now, the Collector not his girlfriend - was pissed off again.  "That's the person you helped escape.  A murderer.  Not everyone is like HR, Cisco."

"I want to show you something," Cisco told her, doing his best to keep calm despite the fact that she'd just implied he was a gullible idiot.  Instead he reached out his hand to her again.  "You might want to sit down first."

Grabbing a chair, Gypsy sat down with a huff and took his hand.  And then... Cisco showed her the threads.  Not the path forward to where Grant was now; Cisco had breached to dozens of different Earths both before and after dropping Jacob off, crossing his path again and again, muddying the waters until the strings were buried deep.  He took her backwards instead, revisiting the trip he'd made to confirm Jacob Grants story.  Even without Jacob there, Cisco recognized the threads of the man's past, knew where to pick it up on different Earths until they were back on Earth-19, until she'd seen everything he'd seen.

It was still intense and overwhelming and Cisco still felt the familiar non-gendered feeling creep up on him when he blinked his eyes open and let go of Cynthia's hand.  Maybe it was because he'd been expecting it this time, it wasn't quite as confusing afterwards.  He didn't feel at a loss about his pronouns - he/him was still fine even though he didn't really feel like a guy at the moment.  Cisco thought he even knew what caused him to feel so uncomfortable about his gender; Jacob experienced his sense of self, his sense of being a man, differently than Cisco did.  And feeling Jacob's experience of gender even second hand through a vibe was... disconcerting.

At least Cynthia seemed just as thrown as Cisco did.  "That was... really impressive Cisco.  It took me years of training before I could do anything like that."

"Thanks.  But do you get why I showed you that?"

Cynthia nodded, looking... concerned, but not necessarily surprised.  "He's innocent of his original crimes.  I'll do some digging and I should be able to get him pardoned, but it'll take time.  Eventually, he should be able to come back to Earth-19 safely.  Given the circumstances, I'm sure the penalty for leaving our Earth will be waved.  There's precedent for it, after all."

The penalty being the death penalty.

Cisco tried to keep the grimace off his face, but his expression of distaste couldn't quite be contained.

"What?  Do you think Grant won't want to come back?"

"Maybe, I don't know.  That's not what... that isn't what bothers me."

"Then what?"

"How can you be so casual about bringing people back to your Earth to face the death penalty?"

"Most of them don't actually get killed, Cisco.  It's... its the maximum punishment, but how often does the maximum punishment get doled out on your Earth?"  Cynthia recoiled from him, eyes narrowed and angry.

Which was fair; what he'd said was pretty loaded.

"Not often, though the media certainly likes using it as a scare tactic," Cisco conceded.  "But I have moral objections to the death penalty being used at all.  That Grant is facing that possibility at all.  That HR... that HR faced it."

"HR was a privileged rich idiot.  The worst he'd have really gotten was a slap on the wrist, a fine, and a few years in an upscale jail cell where he could write his memoirs in comfort."

"Then why didn't you say that?"

"Watching him panic was funny.  I was just going to kick your ass and bring him home anyway, but... he seemed really attached here.  I felt bad for him.  I guess... I thought if you and Barry were so eager to risk your necks for him, there was no harm in letting him stay."

Cisco smiled ruefully.  "I knew you let me win."

"You put up a pretty good fight for a beginner.  I had to hold back, but... not nearly as much as I thought I would," she teased, warming back up a bit.

"How often do you follow the cases of the people you bring back?  I mean; do you know how often the people you collect wind up escaping death row?"

"N-no..." now she sounded uncomfortable.  "Why?"

Cisco shrugged.  "I guess there's just a lot about your job I don't really understand.  I would like to."

"Like what, then?"

Like how they justified illegally entering other Earths, running roughshod over those Earths' laws and law enforcers, and essentially kidnapping people to bring back to what was, potentially, their deaths.  If the reason they didn't want people leaving Earth-19 was to prevent another inter-reality war, then how exactly did the Collectors MO fit into that?  It didn't make sense and Cisco didn't know how to ask without really screwing things up between them.

Was there a nice way to ask 'how do the Collectors justify their work without sounding like hypocrites?'  Probably not.

"What's your favorite part of the job?"

Cynthia smiled and settled down and began to talk.  Cisco let her words wash over him, though doing his best to pay attention even as he let out a mental sigh of relief at having managed, barely, to avert a disastrous fight.

But... there was still a part of him that wondered... was their relationship even legal under Earth-19's laws?  Or did Cynthia get a pass because of her job?

* * *

"So, um, I'm going to have to take a rain check on movie night with you and Cait this Saturday," Hartley told Cisco over the phone.  "I, uh... I let one of my coworkers... talkmeintoablinddate."

Cisco blinked a few times, not quite sure what Hartley had said.  He thought he'd heard the words 'blind date' though.  "You... have a date?"  Something seemed to twist uncomfortably in Cisco's chest.

"Yeah.  Um... Robert - I've talked to you about Robert before, right?"

"Yes.  Cheerful guy, shorter than me, obsessed with _My Little Pony_ but denies being a brony 'cause he thinks he can get away with blaming the obsession on his daughter."  Cisco wanted to meet Robert at some point; he sounded like a lot of fun to hang out with.

"Right.  Okay, so he's got this friend he's been pestering me to let him set me up with since... I dunno, my second week here.  And I finally said I'd go on the date - I stressed it being just the one date - if it'd shut him up.  But he set it up for this Saturday evening."  Hartley's words were meant to make him sound annoyed with the whole thing, but Hartley's tone said another thing entirely.

"You sound like you're looking forward to it," Cisco teased, wondering how his voice could sound so normal and not... strangled by whatever it was that was knotting up inside him.

"I... I guess I kind of am," Hartley said, his voice startled.  "It's just... I haven't been on a date in a long time.  Not since... not since Harrison.  I guess I just... I work all day and then afterwords... I'm still working.  I'm helping you work on the project for rescuing Barry or I'm doing Iris' bidding now that we've handed over the Quantum Juice investigation to her... or I'm out there as the Pied Piper trying to stop metas using their powers for crimes - and did I tell you I teamed up with Static Shock the other evening?  I swear he's, like, twelve.  Cisco, he's practically a baby."

"Seriously?"

"Well, okay, probably just a very baby-faced sixteen or seventeen, but still.  I had to tell him that he and his friend needed to stop using their real names on the comms because I could hear them and they probably didn't want me knowing their identities yet.  I called his friend 'gear-man' - I was being facetious - and suddenly the kid on the other end of Static's comms decided that was gonna be his code-name.  So now Static Shock is being backed up by his extremely snarky man-in-the-chair 'Gear'.  I gave them STAR Labs phone number to call if they ever needed back up."  Hartley paused a beat and then added, "I should have mentioned that sooner, but I just about passed out as soon as I got home that night."

"It's fine.  So... I guess what you're saying is you're looking forward to doing something normal and not meta-associated?"

"... yeah.  And it helps a lot knowing that this date isn't going to go anywhere.  Sort of takes the pressure off, which is good for my anxiety levels."

With the way his chest ached, Cisco didn't know if he wanted to curl up around a pillow miserably or throw one across the room in a fit of pique.  What was wrong with him?  He should be happy for Hartley, taking the first step in moving on from his feelings for Cisco, not...

"That's great," Cisco told Hartley, and he wished, desperately, that he could mean those words sincerely.

* * *

Caitlin scowled and put a red peg up at the top of her board.  "You sank my battleship," she grumbled.  "E6."

"Miss."  Cisco put a white peg into his board.  Next to it was one of his ships; if she'd called E7 she'd have found his carrier.  "F10."

"Miss."  Caitlin tapped her fingers against the table as she considered her next move.  "So, are we ever going to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?"

"What happened with Frost.  My... almost death.  Whatever it is about her that still scares you.  Whether you're actually still comfortable being around me or not.  Pick an elephant, we've got a few."

Groaning quietly, Cisco closed up his Battleship board, crossed his arms on the table, and buried his face in his arms.  He could still feel the weight of Caitlin's stare, though.  There was no getting out of this one.

"Might as well start the most traumatizing issue and go backwards from there," Cisco sighed when he straightened back up.  "So.  Before HR died and the timeline leading to Savitar's creation was still a very strong possibility... I had a vibe.  Of you.  Well.  Of Killer Frost and me.  We were... fighting.  She got the upper hand and..." he let out a slightly manic laugh.  "She froze my hands off, Cait.  I felt it like it was happening to me.  Like my hands froze until they were numb and dead and shattered and I... I still get nightmares sometimes."

Caitlin swore.  Quietly, but still.  Caitlin never said swear words.

"Cisco, I'm so sorry..."

"You didn't freeze my hands off, Caitlin.  They're still right here."  He held up his hands and waved them at her.  "And while I'm not comfortable around Frost, yet, I'm getting there.  It's just... going to take time.  It wasn't real.  It could have been, but it wasn't.  That's what's important."

"Can I hug you?" she asked in a tiny voice, tears running down her face.  Not that he was doing much better, what with how his eyes were blurring.  When Cisco nodded, she shut her own Battleship board quickly and then darted around the table to pull him into a hug.  "You are my best friend, Cisco.  You're my brother.  And I love you so much."

"I love you too, Cait."  They were both clinging to each other pretty hard and, somehow, Cisco felt like a weight was slowly lifting off his shoulders.  "So..." he drawled when they finally pulled out of the hug.  "Next elephant?"

She laughed and he grinned and the world was a little brighter.

* * *

"How was your date?"  Cisco wasn't sure he wanted to know, but the dark knot in his chest flared up every time he thought of Hartley smiling and laughing and maybe kissing some other guy and...

It was just over protectiveness.  That was all.  He wanted Hartley to date someone who'd treat him right.

"It was nice."  Hartley had a slightly wistful look on his face.  "His name was Everett.  He's an accountant and really nice and sweet and... a little boring, actually.  I had a nice time, but... we didn't exchange numbers or anything.  I don't think I was quite what he was looking for either.  Robert apparently fancies himself a matchmaker, though, because now he wants me to try a date with some other friend of his."

"Are you going to?"

"I don't know.  Maybe in a few weeks."  Hartley shrugged.  "How are things going with Cynthia?"

Cisco shrugged.  "Okay?  I don't... I don't really like her job and she's aware of it and... we're kind of awkwardly dancing around the subject."

"There's... something I want to say, but I... I feel like I should preface this with the fact that I'm still majorly hung up on you and that could be shading my interpretation of things, but..."  Hartley seemed to fumble about mentally for a moment, searching for the right words to say.  "Before you started dating her, you were really enthusiastic about Cynthia.  If it hadn't been basically stabbing me in the feelings, I'd have probably thought you were being ridiculously adorable about how much you liked her.  But since the two of you started dating, you've seemed... less and less happy about it.  I think... you need to talk to her more and trust her with the things you're afraid to tell her or else... you're going to wind up stuck in a relationship you don't like and don't know how to get out of."

Part of Cisco wanted to be offended.  But the rest of him knew Hartley had a point.

And if a small part of Cisco lit up at the words 'I'm still majorly hung up on you', well... he did his best to ignore it.

* * *

Snap.  Snap.  Snap.  Snap.

"I swear if you snap that wristband one more time, Ramon, I will stab you with this screwdriver."

There was a moment of temptation where Cisco considered snapping the wristband  again.  They refrained.  Barely.

"You've been wearing that thing for the last four days.  Every day, red side up.  But today you've got it black side up and you won't.  Stop.  Snapping."  Harry made a little strangled noise of restrained fury.  "Is there a link between the colors and your apparent anxiety today?"

"Y-yeah.  Yes. There is."  Cisco paused and nearly snapped the wristband again.  They pulled their hand back when Harry glared and growled.  "I, um... I'm genderfluid.  Queer.  And today I'm feeling really non-gendered and I... my therapist recommended the wristband and using the colors to represent what pronouns I'm most comfortable with at the moment and to just... try and let myself accept that instead of forcing myself to be something I'm not and..."

"What pronouns should I be using for which color, then?"  Harry asked.

"Um... red is he/him and black is they/them."

"Alright then."  Harry smiled at them and... he looked proud of Cisco.  But then he scowled again.  "I'll keep that in mind, but I will still follow through on my threat if you snap that thing again."  He waved the screwdriver threateningly.

"Sorry."

* * *

Snap.

"For fucks sake, Ramon!"

* * *

 Hartley was giggling.  "Did he stab you with the screwdriver?" he asked, once he caught his breath.

"No, but it was a near thing," Cisco replied, snickering at the memory.  "I wasn't sure about telling him, but when the opportunity presented itself... I guess I'm tired of bottling it all up inside of me and trying to pretend these parts of myself don't exist.  As anxious as it made me at first, when he accepted what I said, just like that... it was really nice."

A breach opened up in the middle of the living room.  "Hey, Cynthia's here.  I'll call you back later."

"Good luck.  Do not forget to call afterwards."  Hartley ended the call before Cisco's fingers reached the call end button and he wound up with a getting a red error on the lock screen instead when his fingers brushed the slider puzzle lock by accident.

He clicked off the phone and considered his wristband for a moment, flipping it over to red.  He was definitely feeling more like a guy now, so he/him it was.  Then he stood up and hugged his girlfriend.  "Hey, Cynthia.  I'm glad you made it."

"I, uh, may have had to sort of make up an excuse to my dad so that I wouldn't get a last minute mission, so I've got something work related that I need to ask you later, but you said you had something really important to talk to me about so..." she smiled nervously, though clearly relieved by their hug.  "Here I am."

Cisco, however, blinked in confusion.  "What does your dad have to do with mission assignments?"

"Oh, I... I guess I never told you, did I?  My father is Breacher.  He's... the leader of the Collectors."

"The leader."

"Yes."

Cisco felt a little faint.  "Your dad is the leader of the Collectors," he repeated.  He needed to sit down.

"Yes... are you okay?"

"Why was he chasing after Grant, then?  Doesn't he have, I dunno, minions to send after people who jump ship on Earth-19?"

"I am not a minion," Cynthia grumbled.

"I need to show you the movie _Despicable Me_.  You would proudly proclaim yourself a minion afterwards because the Minions are adorable."

Cynthia smiled fondly and sat down beside Cisco, tucking a lock of hair away behind his left ear before leaning in to kiss him on the corner of his mouth.  "So, what was the big important thing you needed to tell me?"

"There's... there's something that I've been struggling with for a really long time.  Mostly I just tried to ignore it, but lately... I can't.  Do you remember when I asked you about Earth-19 and LGBT people?"  Cynthia nodded slowly, uncertainly, and Cisco powered on.  "I... I'm queer.  Genderfluid.  It means that most of the time I'm one gender, but sometimes I'm... not."

"So you... identify as a man and... a woman?" Cynthia guessed, her expression unreadable.

"No.  Most of the time I am a guy.  But sometimes I'm agender.  Non-gendered.  I kind of like non-gendered a little better right now because sometimes people use agender to mean a gender other than man or woman and I don't... I don't feel like I'm gendered at all when I get like that. But... agender is kind of growing on me."

Cynthia was quiet.

"Please say something."

"I'm sorry, I don't... I'm not trying to upset you.  It's just... it's a lot to take in."  She smiled wanly.

"Right."  Cisco's fingers found his wristband and twisted it for a moment, resisting the urge to snap it.  Nerves made his stomach roil uneasily.

"So, right now, do you feel more like you're a guy or more like you're... non-gendered?"

"A guy.  But, earlier today... most of today, actually, I didn't feel that way at all.  I've, um... I've started using this," he held out his arm between them and gestured to the wristband, "to start indicating how I'm feeling.  Red for he/him, black for they/them."

Cynthia frowned.  "Aren't they/them plural pronouns?"

More nerves.  This was awful.  "They're also traditionally singular pronouns when referring to people whose gender is unknown... which is why they're fitting to use for people who don't identify with a gender or who don't identify with a known gender.  I mean... if you find a lost cell phone, you don't say 'I hope he or she comes looking for his or her lost phone', you'd say 'I hope they come looking for their phone'.  And please stop me, I'm rambling..."

Cynthia kissed him on the cheek, amused.  Still a little distant in her eyes, as though she was processing what he was saying, but still amused.  "When I finally introduce you to my dad, maybe hold off on explaining all this to him, okay?  Until he likes you."

Cisco wrinkled his nose and nodded uncertainly.

"So, is it still okay if I call you my boyfriend?  Or is there a term you'd like better?"

"No, boyfriend is still cool to use even when my pronouns are they/them."  Cisco felt relieved by her question.  It was evidence she was taking him seriously, respecting his identity.  "So... what's the work question you needed to ask."

"We need to ask Jacob Grant to come back to Earth-19 and testify about his experience in court.  He's been officially pardoned of all crimes," Cynthia handed over a file that Cisco hadn't noticed she'd brought with her until now.  "The people responsible have been arrested; the trial won't be for months, but Grant's testimony will need to be recorded ahead of time.  And he'll be given special dispensation to return to whichever Earth he's been hiding on, if he wants to immigrate there permanently.  Once I showed my dad what you showed me, dad was pissed.  You're right, he usually doesn't go Collecting much himself anymore because he's busy running the agency.  So he's angry that one of the few assignments he took for himself turned out to be someone who'd been framed. 

"So... we need to know where Grant is."

"He... you know what, how about I take this," Cisco opened up the file and, sure enough, the document inside seemed to be some sort of official looking Earth-19 pardon.  Not that Cisco knew what that was supposed to look like, it didn't feel fake or set off any visions which, given how he was still a bundle of nerves and running on adrenaline, he wouldn't have been surprised if he had spontaneously vibed something.  "I can deliver it to Grant, give him the good news that he isn't being hunted anymore, and let him decide from there if he's willing to come back or not.  If he sees you or one of the Collectors, he'll just think you're coming to... arrest him."  Cisco managed, barely, not to use the word kidnap.

"Right now?"

"How about in the morning?"  Cisco slid the file onto the table and leaned over to kiss Cynthia.

She kissed back, but cut the kiss short.  "It kind of needs to be now."

Cisco pulled back and pursed his lips a moment, staring at her.  "Yeah.  Sure.  I need to stop by STAR Labs first and then I'll go deliver this.  Talk over what his options are and then be back to let you know what he decides.  Unless you'd rather wait somewhere else?"

"Not really.  If you don't mind me watching Netflix or Prime or whatever, then I'd like to stay here."

"That's fine."  He grabbed the folder and his phone and then breached himself to the STAR Labs cortex.  Then he dialed Hartley's number.

"How'd it go?" was the greeting he received.

"I'm... not really sure."

* * *

Grant went back to Earth-19, but only with Cisco's assurance that he'll be there too.  Cynthia wasn't happy about that at all, but she negotiated it with her father for them anyway and then...

Cisco has what is possibly the most awkward four days of his entire life.  Cynthia has not told her father about their dating yet, which was one layer of awkwardness.  Breacher was ridiculously intimidating, looked a hell of a lot like one of Cisco's favorite actors, and Cisco couldn't tell if Breacher hated him or wanted to recruit him, which made for at least three or four layers of awkwardness.  Cisco got dirty looks when he called Cynthia by her name instead of her code-name so he reluctantly reverted to calling her Gypsy which... he still didn't know what the word's history was on Earth-19 and he was suddenly acutely aware that he probably shouldn't ask.  He was able to look up the number of reality-jumpers who actually got the death penalty.  It was pretty low, but life imprisonment was a pretty high and what little Cisco had seen of Earth-19 prisons through Grants eyes made the US prison system look shiny and corruption free by comparison.  It was all just... it all felt wrong, like he didn't belong like...

If Cisco were being perfectly honest, he couldn't quite get Hartley's voice out of his head asking him if he was really happy dating Cynthia... or if he just thought he should be happy with her and was going through the motions.  He didn't like the answer.

* * *

"I've seen that look before," Cynthia said quietly.  Cisco had dropped Jacob off on Earth-38 and then rendezvoused with Cynthia back at his apartment.  Before leaving Earth-19, he'd told her they needed to talk and she'd... looked like she knew what was coming.  "Usually guys get that look right before breaking up with me."

"Cynthia..."

"I really, really like you Cisco."

"I care about you a lot too, Cynthia."  He took her hand and squeezed it.  "Given enough time, I'd probably fall in love with you."

"So why... why do I sense a 'but' in there."

"When we're together, things are great, but we're barely together.  When we are together, half the time one of our jobs calls us away.  And this is it.  This is what our relationship will always be like.  Unless one of gave up our job and our Earth and I couldn't ever ask that of you, not when I know I'd never be willing to do that myself.  If there's something I'm missing, some way we can work this out..."

"Honestly, I think I'd be happy with our relationship as is.  More time together would be great, but..." Cynthia crossed her arms, seeming to hunch in on herself a little.  "I guess we need different things out of this relationship.  I... I think I've known that for a while now, but I'd hoped maybe..." she cut herself off and rubbed at her eyes.  "I haven't felt this connected to anyone in a long while.  I really wanted this to work."

"Me too."  Cisco had tears of his own.  But there were things he wanted in his future and... Cynthia couldn't provide them.  Not and stay true to herself.

She hugged him and then kissed him and buried her face against his shoulder.  "So... I guess this is goodbye?"  She hugged her arms to her chest nervously when they finally let each other go.

"I don't suppose you'd be willing to pop around every once in a while.  It may be long distance but that shouldn't mean we can't still be friends.  And it seems safer for you to visit here than for me to visit Earth-19 and risk your father's wrath."

Cynthia sniffled.  "It'll probably be a while.  I can't imagine getting over you is gonna be easy."

* * *

Cisco was sandwiched between Hartley and Caitlin, an empty ice cream tub on the coffee table in front of them, and Netflix quietly running picture adds on the tv screen.

They blinked slowly, not sure when they'd fallen asleep.  But Caitlin was snuggled up against their shoulder, humming softly in her sleep with soft breaths that tickled their neck.  Hartley was tucked up against Cisco's other side, an arm slung around their waist.  Caitlin was a comforting, familiar, familial warmth beside them and Hartley... Hartley was warm too and smelled really quite nice...

And while Cisco felt like they probably ought to turn off the playstation and the tv, put away their spoons and throw out the ice cream carton, and send everyone home to their respective beds... instead Cisco turned, carefully so as not to disturb Caitlin's sleep, curled up a little closer to Hartley, and fell back asleep.

* * *

"Do you want to talk about it?" Hartley asked, setting down two cups and then heading back for the teapot, _Ant Man_ on pause on the television screen.

"I... don't know."  Cisco sighed.  "Maybe?  I probably should.  What kind of tea is that?"

"Hazelnut cookie.  It's a new brand, so hopefully it'll be good.  I haven't actually tried it yet."  Hartley didn't push for more as he poured the tea and then sat down.

"I've been really tired lately.  I know its the stress and... and my depression talking, but it's been exhausting.  Therapy's helped.  Finally settling on some labels for my gender has helped a lot.  I'm really warming up to agender, actually.  But I'm still... I'm still not okay yet."  Cisco paused and then trudged on.  "I miss how much we used to hang out for fun.  We still do that, but not nearly as often and it's not... I used to see you every day and then suddenly you were gone."

"Cisco, I'm sorry..."

"Don't be.  You needed the space and it's been good for you.  I've been... kind of jealous over how happy you seem here in Dakota City."  Cisco reached out and picked up his cup of tea, letting it warm his hands.  "I just... I felt really lost right after you left.  I thought... I don't know, I guess I thought that I'd get more support from my relationship with Cynthia than I did.  Not that she wasn't supportive.  It's just... she wasn't around much because of her job and I don't know much about the Collectors but the more I learned the more uncomfortable with that organization I became.  And the more uncomfortable I became with how easily she dismissed things I found troubling as normal.  There were a lot of dates cut short or just... canceled because of her job.  Not that I didn't cut short a few myself.  And maybe it would've gotten better once she told her dad she was dating me.  Or maybe it wouldn't have, he didn't seem to like me much.  But it just wasn't enough and I didn't feel like I could talk to her about any of that because... she really did not like me questioning the ethics of her job.  Which, having done ethically questionable stuff myself, I get that having those things pointed out can feel like being attacked.

"I... I really just needed more emotional support than she could give me and it wasn't her fault but I was afraid if I didn't end things now I'd wind up resenting her for it down the line.  Or she'd resent me for not being satisfied with what we had."

"For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing."

"Your opinion is worth a lot to me, Hartley."  Cisco smiled as Hartley blushed at the compliment.  And then Cisco's stomach did that little flippy thing it did when he found someone attractive.

Cisco turned his face down to blow at his tea so that he could hide his reaction better.  Because... he was straight.  So why was he feeling this way about Hartley?  He'd never... well, no, that wasn't true, now was it?  He hadn't thought about that in a long time.  He'd nearly talked about it once - back when Zoom broke Barry's back - but he'd been feeling really gender confused all that evening and wound up discussing that instead.  Afterwards, he'd convinced himself it wasn't really relevant anymore.  He'd just been confused in high school, that was all.

"Ready to restart the movie?"

"Yeah."  Cisco tasted his tea.  It was delicious.  He leaned back and looked over at Hartley, studying the other man's profile while he fussed over his own cup of tea.

Hartley really was quite pretty, really.  He was a little more unkempt now than when they'd met and his personality had mellowed a lot.  And lately, when he smiled he sort of... shined.  Cisco certainly couldn't take his eyes off Hartley when he looked like that.  And that knotted feeling that kept popping up when Hartley talked about the blind dates he'd let Robert send him on.  It... it was a lot like jealousy, wasn't it.

Pursing his lips and staring back down into his tea, Cisco began to wonder if, perhaps, what happened in high school hadn't been a fluke after all.  Not a phase, not confusion... just... perhaps not common.

* * *

"Cisco, calm down, okay?  I doubt Barry was expecting there to be easy, or fast, solutions to getting him out of the Speed Force."

"It's been... it's been nearly a year, Hartley!  I've done practically everything except bring him back and I... I keep feeling like I'm wasting time on things that don't matter."

Hartley gave Cisco an unimpressed stare and then swatted him lightly on the back of his head.  "Things that don't matter," Hartley parroted, like those were the most idiotic words he'd ever heard.  "Barry wouldn't want to come back to find you'd neglected to live your own life while he was gone.  Taking care of your emotional health matters.  Taking steps towards accepting and respecting yourself as a queer person matters.  Trying to find a relationship that helps you feel stable and happy, even when that attempt fails, matters.  The work you do as Vibe, protecting Central City, backing me up in Dakota City, helping people from other Earths... that all matters, Cisco.  I know you're frustrated and you miss him, but don't... belittle yourself and your achievements.  You deserve better than that."

The two of them were standing really close and there was something about Hartley's passionate response to Cisco's frustration that just...

Cisco swallowed hard and nodded, heart suddenly beating like a jackhammer.  He felt flushed and had to resist the urge to tug a little at the collar of his shirt, because he was suddenly a little too warm.  All from Hartley's proximity.  And he really, really wanted Hartley to lean in, close the distance between them, and...

"All right, all right.  But I reserve the right to be irritated that this latest line of inquiry," Cisco pointed to the board and the two days worth of equations, "turned out to be useless."

Hartley blushed a little and relented.  "Sorry.  Right."  He ran a hand through his hair and he looked adorable - more than adorable - with his hair sticking up all over the place afterwards.

"No, you were right about what I meant.  I just have so much going on right now, I wish I could hide from it all sometimes and bury myself in the work to bring back Barry.  Every time I try, though... an escapee from Earth-19 shows up or Harry is weirdly nice to me or Caitlin wants to get rid of the elephants or..." or he had the sudden epiphany that he wanted Hartley to kiss him.

"Or you break up with your girlfriend?"  Hartley filled in, oblivious.

"R-right."  Cisco let out a shaky breath.  "I'm really glad, though, that I'm in therapy now.  I've got you to thank for that; if you hadn't texted me Dr. Andrea's number, I'd have kept putting it off a lot longer than I did... I'd probably be in a really bad place right now."

Hartley smiled brightly.  "Buy me lunch, then?  Thai?"

"Yeah and then... and then I should probably open a breach so you can get to that blind date of yours tonight."  Cisco felt a little ill, remembering that.  Jealousy curdling in his stomach and voiding out his own hunger.  And he could admit that now; he was jealous of Hartley, going on dates with other people.  People who weren't Cisco.

"Considering what a disaster that last one was and how boring the first guy was, I'm tempted to just call and cancel," Hartley admitted.  "If it weren't for the fact that Robert has really effective puppy dog eyes..."

"Taking lessons from his daughter?"

Hartley laughed.  "Probably.  Just... don't be surprised if I call later tonight to complain about how bad the night went."

Cisco smiled wanly and hoped for exactly that outcome.

* * *

"Well???"  Cisco waved his arms wide and then flopped onto Caitlin's couch dramatically.

She was standing in the kitchen, checking on the status of the casserole she'd put in the oven for them to eat.  "I'm less surprised than you were expecting, but then... I think you've forgotten that you did tell Ronnie and I about Rick."

"I was very drunk that night," Cisco said, pouting a little bit that his admission that he was pretty sure he was attracted to Hartley didn't get quite the 'oh my gosh, what?' reaction he'd anticipated.

"Ah, so you do remember."  Caitlin muttered under her breath when she poked the center of the casserole with her fingers only to find it was still really cold.  She huffed as she shut the door and readjusted the timer.  "I need a new oven."

"I could take a look at it for you."

"Not after what happened with the break room coffee maker."

"... fair enough."  Cisco laughed and grabbed one of the couch pillows, hugging it to his chest and letting his chin settle on top.  "So... any advice?"

"Do you want to act on your feelings for Hartley?  Because what advice I give depends on that choice."  Caitlin settled onto the couch with him propping her feet up on the ottoman.

"Yeah.  I really think I do.  Want to tell him, that is.  I... I really want to know what kissing him is like."  Cisco grinned, feeling a little fluttery at the idea of Hartley's lips on his and... yup.  Definitely going to tell him.  Cisco just needed a plan so that he didn't screw things up.

There'd been enough times in the last year or so that Cisco had hurt Hartley without meaning to; he needed to get this right.

"Don't start off with your feelings for him, then.  Start off by telling him about Rick and how Dante treated you and why you've been so afraid of identifying as anything other than straight.  I think it would help Hartley a lot with understanding how you got to where you are now, with a crush on him, if you explain to him first what you've gone through in the past.  And... maybe let yourself be angry at Dante.  He may have wanted to change his relationship with you before he died, but Dante was a massive jerk for a lot of his life and you deserve to feel angry about that without feeling guilty about it afterwards."

Cisco laughed a little.  "Now you sound like my therapist.  Dr. Andrea keeps telling me its okay to still be angry with Dante, too."

"She sounds smart.  I like her."

"Well.  Enough about me, then.  How are things going for you?"

Caitlin plucked at her sleeves nervously.  "I talked to Julian the other day.  Probably wracked up a pretty good sized phone bill what with the international long distance, but... there was a lot we needed to talk about.  Like... how I treated him and his feelings was unfair or how angry I still was with him for ignoring my wishes and taking off my necklace.  Even though I'm alive and Frost and I are learning to like each other now that we're not... constantly terrified of each other, I'm still angry that my consent was just... ignored like that."

"I was right there too.  I should have stopped him, but I... I was thinking, pretty selfishly I guess, that I didn't want my sister to die."

"Oh, Cisco."  Caitlin leaned onto him, pulling him into a hug.  "I made a lot of mistakes last year and I wasn't as supportive a friend to the people I cared about as you all deserved.  And I was so busy being afraid of Frost that I didn't realize how much I was hurting her, pushing her into being the very things I feared.  But I'm really glad I'm alive to correct those mistakes.  And... Frost and I both forgave you when you gave us the compound you and mom came up with instead of just using it on us.  You... you gave us the right to choose who we wanted to be and how we wanted to move forward and... both of us are grateful for that."

"What ever happened with that anyway?"  Cisco asked.  "I mean, obviously you never used it, so..."

"Frost froze it and then I threw it off a bridge.  It shattered on the way down.  But only after I had the weirdest conversation of my life about... about both our fears and also the fact that... she basically kidnapped Julian in an attempt to kill herself and that I was really sorry I hadn't realized that was what she was doing."

Cisco twisted so that he could ditch the pillow and then pulled Caitlin into a proper hug.  "This hug isn't just for you.  Just so you both know; its for Frost too."

Caitlin pulled away, her hair turning white.  "I don't do hugs," Frost muttered.

"You sure?"  Cisco held out his arms and grinned hopefully.  "Hugs feel really nice."

"I'm sure."  Frost sighed in frustration as she took in what she was wearing.  "Why is her taste in clothing so frumpy?  And pink?"  She looked up and then scrunched up her nose.  "Oh, fine.  Just this once."  And then she hugged him.

* * *

Once Cisco was sure he was alone, he settled down beside the grave.

Dante Ramon.  Loving son.  1987-2016

"I was really angry when you died.  At myself for my powers not warning me in time to save you.  At Barry for not changing time when I demanded it of him.  At the drunk driver who ran you over.  At you for jaywalking at night.  But that last one... you were dead and I couldn't be angry at you properly and the driver was in jail and... I ended up lashing out at my friends, especially Barry.  I was pretty awful and I'm lucky my friends love me enough to forgive me for it."

Cisco poked at the flowers he'd put in front of the gravestone.  "I'm still angry at you for it.  Jaywalking is dangerous enough during the day, but you did it at night.  In dark clothing.  Near a bar!"  Cisco's voice raised a bit and he took a few deep breaths to calm himself.  "You were really stupid to do that."

He paused a beat and then said, "I think I was lashing out at Barry afterwards for more reasons than he wouldn't change time to save you.  He's... he's been there for me these last few years.  He's been more like a brother to me than you have... than you were since you pulled that stunt with Melinda Torres.  Barry was there for me when my parents and I were called to the morgue to... to identify your body.  He held me and let me cry on him - like, messy, ugly crying - and he didn't judge me for my grief.  And I felt awful because he was alive and you weren't and I knew he was a lot better at consoling me in my grief than you'd have ever been."  Cisco sighed and fiddled with his wristband.

"Something good came out of all that, though.  Hartley and I became friends.  He used to be such an asshole to me, but when he decided to change?  He really did it.  Hartley turned his life around and became a nicer person and he didn't do it for any of us.  But I'm really grateful to be friends with him because the person he's become is really amazing.  I think... I think I might be a little in love with him already.  I certainly love him pretty dearly as a friend.

"But my feelings aren't just platonic anymore.  They're... they're romantic and sexual and I... I've spent so long running from the idea I might be bisexual that I'm afraid of admitting to them.  But I'm more afraid of never saying anything and regretting it.  I think I've had enough regrets over the years because I was hiding from my queerness.  Some of that's on you, too.  On the things you said and the way you made me feel ashamed and broken.  That's one of the things I'm letting myself be angry at you for these days.

"I hate talking about all this to my therapist.  But I always feel healthier afterwards.  Like I'm ripping off bandages and finally letting wounds heal.  And I'd like to think I'd have gotten here eventually even if you'd lived.  I wish I could bring you into my therapy sessions and we could have resolved some of our issues with Dr. Andrea's help.  I... I kind of hate that we never got that chance.  That you never got to bitch at me for how hard my skipping grades made school for you.  I know other kids gave you shit for being the dumb Ramon brother even though your grades were high and you graduated honor roll.  You didn't skip grades like I did and so people looking for an excuse to be awful used that against you.  I think I get it a little better now and I can understand how... how that fueled some of the things you said and did to me.  It doesn't excuse how you treated me, but it does help explain it and... I think maybe I can move to the point of forgiving you one day too."

Cisco paused a beat and then changed the subject, letting himself just ramble about whatever came to mind.  All the things Dante had missed during the last year what with being dead.

Afterwards, when Cisco got up (and after he hopped around a bit, not realizing until it was too late that one of his legs had gone all pins and needles), he felt kind of like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.  Something he hadn't even realized was there until it was gone.

* * *

"Wow, you are really wound up tonight," Hartley said about the ninth or tenth time Cisco snapped his wristband.

Cisco grimaced.  "It's a new nervous habit and I don't think I like how quickly I've picked it up."

"Maybe once you're more comfortable with what it represents, you'll stop snapping it so much.  Do you feel like switching pronouns?"  Hartley asked sympathetically.

"No, that's... that's not it."  Cisco paused the game they were playing.  "There's something I want to talk to you about, but its... its not an easy subject for me to bring up and so I'm really nervous."

Hartley nodded, a little confused maybe but totally supportive, and set aside his playstation controller.  "I'm all ears."  His smile grew a hint of a smirk at that and Cisco gave him a look.

"That was a powers pun and it was awful."

"At least I don't overuse them the way Barry does," Hartley shot back.

"Ugh.  One day someone will figure out he's a speedster from the puns alone."  Cisco rolled his eyes.  "And yet he dared complain about Captain Cold's puns."

"Oh, he totally had a low-key crush on Snart," Hartley declared.  "Barry's eyes were glued to that man's ass whenever they were in the same room together."

"You noticed that too?"  Cisco laughed along with Hartley and... the tension suddenly wasn't so bad.  He could totally do this.

"So... um... what I wanted to talk about."  Cisco set aside his own controller and resisted the urge to snap the wristband again.  He'd wind up bruising his wrist if he kept that up.  "I... I skipped a couple of grades in high school.  Dante was kind of a dick about it.  I've talked to you about that some before, right?"

"Yes."  Hartley nodded, his expression turned serious again.

"I ended up joining the chess club Junior year of High School.  The club president was in my grade.  Rick.  Rick Jones.  He... he was gay and really confident in himself and... he sort of declared himself the queer mom for any kids who were also queer but having trouble with their family or bullying or both.  There were a lot of us in the closet one way or the other who basically flocked to him.  If I had to guess at the identity of Tumblr Mom, it'd be him."  Cisco smiled fondly at the memories while Hartley gave a little snort of amusement.  "Anyway, by senior year, I basically trailed after him like a lost duck.  And... Dante gave me a lot of flack for it.  Which, in retrospect, really fueled how hard I held the closet door shut on my gender identity.  But it also...

"Dante joked that I had a crush on Rick.  And of course I denied it because I had this crush on Melinda, but... I also had a crush on Rick.  I just took a lot longer to figure that out because crushing on a guy felt different from crushing on a girl.  But I did figure it out and I was really... I was really proud of myself for figuring it out at first.  I started identifying as bisexual just to myself and..." Cisco wiped at his face because his eyes were starting to sting.  He wasn't crying yet, but those were definitely tears in his eyes.  "I wasn't ready to say anything yet.  Rick had a boyfriend so even if I'd been brave enough to come out, I wouldn't have been able to do anything about my crush.  But the next time Dante made one of his queerphobic comments that he thought were jokes... I told him I was bi.

"He... he got really quiet at first.  And then he told me not to come out.  If it was just the one crush then maybe it was a phase, maybe I was confused, maybe it'd pass and that'd be it and I wasn't really bi.  He told me I was too young and socially awkward to know what I was feeling and that it wasn't worth the risk of being bullied even worse than I already was to come out when I might be wrong.  I was so angry with him for saying all of that, but I... I listened.  I didn't say anything.  And all Freshman year of college, I hung back from calling myself bi.  I wanted to come out, but... Rick was the only guy I'd had a crush on.  I didn't meet any guys that year at college that I had similar feelings for, though I crushed on a few girls.  I... I was afraid Dante was right.  That I didn't count.  That I was trying to use a label that didn't really belong to me.

"When summer came, I ran into Rick one afternoon and... my crush was gone.  He was just another guy.  A guy I counted as a good friend, but... that was it."

"Cisco..." Hartley took Cisco's hands in his own.  "Dante was a dick.  He was wrong."

"I know... labels are meant to help people understand themselves, not act as yardsticks, right?"

"Right."  Hartley smiled.  "So I guess my telling you that helped you?"

"Soooo much.  So very, very much."  Cisco tried not to be distracted by how warm Hartley's hands were or the softness of his skin or the nice contrast of the rough callouses on some of his fingers.  "I want to start id-ing as bi again.  In part because I do count as bi even if it is rare for me to be attracted to someone who isn't a woman.  But also because... Rick isn't the only guy I've ever had a crush on now.  I..." Cisco tightened his own grip on Hartley's hands.  "I was really slow to figure out what I was feeling.  But I'm certain now and I want you to know... I've got a crush on you, Hartley."

Hartley sucked in a sharp breath... and then coughed hard.

Concerned, Cisco let go of Hartley's hands and reached over to pat his back.  "Are you okay?"

"Yep," Hartley said, voice a touch raspy.  "Embarrassed, but I'll live.  Did you really... do you really mean that?"

"Yes, Hartley.  I mean it.  I've got a crush on you."

"Can I... that is... may I kiss you?"  Hartley stumbled over his words, voice hushed and reverent.

Cisco nodded.  "Yes.  Yes, I'd like that a lot."

The kiss was slow and chaste, Hartley's fingers reaching up to trace along Cisco's jaw before cupping his cheek.  Cisco whimpered into the kiss, leaning slightly against Hartley's hand, his own hands reaching blindly for Hartley's shoulders to pull him closer.  Cisco was only disappointed when the kiss ended, though he basked in the warmth of their closeness as their foreheads rested against one another.

"I would really like to take you on a date," Hartley said, pulling back in order to better look at Cisco.

"Conveniently," Cisco replied, a touch teasing, "I would very much like to date you."

"Is that so?"  Hartley was beaming.

"Yup.  I'd also like to call you my boyfriend, if that's okay with you."

Hartley laughed and nodded.  "I'm gonna kiss you again," he declared, then leaned forward and did exactly that.

* * *

"Robert is going to be pissed that I got myself a boyfriend without his help."

"Robert is just going to have to deal with it.  And stop sending blind dates your way."

"You sound jealous."

"Soooo jealous.  I was tying myself up in confused knots; I was so freaking jealous."  That earned Cisco another kiss.

* * *

"How'd it go?"  Frost was out today and bouncing slightly with ill-concealed curiosity.  She was not as stoic as she thought she was.

"Hartley and I are dating now."  Cisco beamed and gave a little bounce of excitement of his own.

"And...?"

"And kissing him is awesome."

Frost rolled her eyes.  "And...?"

"And we're taking it slow.  We both need to go slow, okay?"  Cisco gave Frost an arch look.  "So if you're fishing for info on our sex lives or something, you're in for a long wait."

"Oh come on.  Caitlin is demi, but I'm not.  I gotta live vicariously through someone!"

Cisco rolled his eyes and tweaked her nose.  "Not me, sorry."

"Ugh."  Frost grumbled and massaged her nose.  "You guys suck.  Caitlin was making fun of me earlier too."

"You make it way too easy."

"Keep it up and I'll start randomly freezing your favorite tools into ice blocks."

"I'm sorry," Cisco immediately apologized... still grinning in amusement.

* * *

"Oh my god you two are adorable."

Hartley rolled his eyes and Cisco laughed in amusement.  "You must be Robert."  Cisco reached out to shake the guy's hand.  "It's nice to finally meet you."

"You too, Cisco.  This is my better half, Jeff."

Cisco and Hartley both shook hands with the quietly amused man who'd arrived at the restaurant with the livelier Robert.

Dinner was entertaining.  Cisco hadn't been on a double date since college and this was a lot more fun than he remembered it being.  The company was a lot better, though, which likely accounted for a lot.

And afterwards, Jeff gave Cisco his number.  "I'm trans," he said.  "If you ever need someone to talk to who isn't cis, I'd be glad to lend an ear.  Sometimes, no matter how hard he tries, Hartley just isn't going to get what you're going through.  Robert's the same way.  There are just some things cis-guys aren't going to be able to understand."

Cisco swallowed nervously, clutching his phone.  Part of him still worried that because he was a demi-guy he didn't count as not cis and this... this was validation he'd needed.

To be cis, one had to identify with the gender they were assigned at birth and have full access to the societal privileges that came with it.  Though Cisco did still identify as a guy, he was also agender... and thus he didn't have full cisgender privilege.  It was something Dr. Andrea had been trying to help Cisco wrap his head around for a while, though Cisco was still nervous about it.

"Thank you, Jeff.  That... it... it means a lot.  Thanks."

It meant a whole hell of a lot.  And from the gentle smile on Jeff's face, he knew it too.

Later that evening, curled up on Hartley's couch and half asleep against Hartley's chest while _A Series of Unfortunate Events_ played in the background, Cisco muttered, "they were really nice.  We should do that again some time."

"I'm glad you liked them.  We'll have to do a lunch thing next time, though.  They can bring their daughter along.  She's adorable."

"That sounds good," Cisco snuggled in a little closer, enjoying the way Hartley's chest felt against his cheek (through his clothes, but still) and the way Hartley smelled so good and the soft thump, thump of his heart when Cisco turned his head just so... "I'm still in the 'I like giving kids back to their parents' phase, but it'd be nice to have one someday," Cisco said, only really half-aware he'd said it aloud.

"One you don't have to give back," Hartley clarified.

"Yeah..." he got a little more alert at that.  It was early - way early - to be bringing that sort of thing up.  Wasn't it?

"I'd like kids one day too," Hartley told him.  They both relaxed at Hartley's words.  "I've always kind of wanted to get to be a stay at home dad with a kid or two, at least for as long as the kids were young enough to not be in school all day.  It's... my parents were always so busy with work that they were never there for me growing up and... I want to make sure that's not me."

"You'll be a good dad," Cisco assured him with a sleepy smile.  So, not too soon for the 'one day I want to have a kid or two' conversation after all.  That was good.  "Its a good thing I've already seen this episode," Cisco muttered when Hartley started running his fingers through Cisco's hair.  "I'm going to fall asleep on you and miss most of it."

* * *

Nothing happened.

For a moment the machine had connected to the Speed Force.  Cisco had felt it with his powers - felt Barry there, just out of reach - but then something went wrong and the machine cut off and there was nothing to show for it.

No Barry.  Just more disappointment and Iris trying to leave Ferris Air before anyone saw her break down crying again.

"I don't know what went wrong, but I was close," Cisco said, pleading for someone to... he wasn't sure what he wanted, really.  Someone to tell him it wasn't his fault, maybe?  To agree he was close, that he was nearly there, that next time, surely...

Joe patted Cisco's shoulder.  "I know you'll bring him home soon, Cisco."  But the detective's tone was defeated.

Caitlin slung an arm around Cisco's shoulder.  "Let's take a Jitters break on the way back to STAR Labs and start reviewing the data with freshly caffeinated brains.  That was really close.  I saw the look on your face - you could sense him, couldn't you?  We're just at that agonizing point of new science where we're almost to the finish line, but because its new we're running the course blindfolded.  That was just us tripping over some unseen rocks."

"So we pick ourselves up and try again," Cisco agreed, tension running out of him.  "Thanks Caitlin.  I needed to hear that."  He paused a beat, then, "next time we try, I really want us to wait for Hartley to be here with us, though."

* * *

"Does it bother you to be dating a guy who doesn't always id as a guy?" Cisco blurted out one evening, their wristband having been black all day.

"Nope." He paused a beat, then continued with, "I was first attracted to you before I knew you were struggling with identifying your gender, but I didn't start crushing on you until well after I knew.  I still feel like gay is the word that fits me best - and I did give it some thought, this isn't just me talking off the top of my head right now.  It doesn't feel weird to me to call myself gay regardless of what your pronouns are and I'm attracted to you just as much when you're using they/them as I am when you use he/him. I guess that, as long as you're comfortable dating someone who identifies as gay and I'm comfortable dating someone who identifies as male and agender and genderfluid then we're both doing fine.  Now, to be annoying and turn this back around... are you okay dating a gay guy even though you're genderfluid?"  Hartley looked a little uncertain, even as he kept stirring the pot of pasta for their dinner.

Cisco paused a beat, thinking it over.  "Yes.  I am.  I know you support my gender and my labels and... I hope you know I support your identity too.  And I really hope I'm phrasing that okay.  Because you were very eloquent and I am very... not."

Hartley chuckled in relief and held out a spoon of the pasta sauce to them.  "Taste test please."

They tried a bit and then moaned with appreciation.  "That is so good.  We could just have that, no pasta, and it'd be amazing."

"Well, there is pasta.  Also chicken."  Hartley's eyes seemed a touch darker than before and Cisco flushed at the thought that they'd put that look there.  "Anything in particular make you want to ask that question?"

"Something I saw on tumblr.  That's all.  Agender discourse when I was looking for positivity posts."

"Ah, the good old hell site.  I like following Will Wheaton's tumblr for his mental health positivity posts.  Also the bedhead pictures.  Those are hilariously adorable."

Cisco's stomach flipped in a very nice way as they watched Hartley finish the pasta.  Hartley looked really good, standing there with his sleeves rolled up and a TARDIS apron on over his work clothes.  "Can I stay the night tonight?  Not... not for sex.  I'm not ready for that.  Not yet.  But, um... I just... I really want to wake up with you."

Hartley brightened even more - Cisco hadn't thought that possible, Hartley practically shined like a star already when he was happy - and kissed Cisco.  A little sloppily, 'cause his hands were full and he was excited, but it still sent warmth all the way down to Cisco's toes.

"I'd love to have you stay the night."

* * *

"So... what if I wanted to wear skirts sometimes."

"Are we talking long swishy skirts that swirl enticingly around your ankles or short skirts that frame your butt and show off your legs or..."

"Well I was talking hypothetical and just skirts as a monolithic category, but now I'm starting to suspect you have a kink."

Hartley blushed brightly and ducked his head.  "I just think you'd look very... attractive in them and if you want to wear skirts, I'd be supportive of that."

"I don't think I want to wear skirts, but its kind of a relief to know you think I'd look really hot in them, if I ever change my mind."  Cisco paused a beat, then added, "but I would not mind wearing skirts just for our personal enjoyment, somewhere down the line, if that really is a kink of yours."

Still flushed, Hartley swallowed dryly and Cisco enjoyed watching the way Hartley's eyes kept flicking down to his legs.  "If... if you were comfortable with it that would be... that would be so hot.  I just... its not really about the skirts so much as I just really like your legs but it's also kind of the way skirts would accent your legs differently than pants and shorts do and some the materials they're made out of can feel really sensuous and... and, oh god, why haven't you shut me up yet?"

Cisco laughed and pushed Hartley back onto the couch, straddling his legs and drawing his mouth into a downright filthy kiss that left them both panting afterwards.

"The material feels sensuous, huh?"  Cisco echoed, nipping and kissing lightly along Hartley's jaw.  "Have you ever worn skirts?  That kind of sounded like first hand knowledge, there."

"I did a few Drag Queen competitions in college," Hartley confessed.  "After I was disowned, being as visibly... and stereotypically, gay and queer as possible helped me blow off steam."

Pulling back some, Cisco looked his boyfriend up and down.  "I think I need pictures.  I bet you were hot."

"I was gorgeous, so yeah."  Hartley blushed self-consciously despite his bragging and then added, "I'm sure I can dig up some pictures.  Later."

"Later," Cisco agreed, leaning in for another kiss.

* * *

Iris' story on the Dakota City Big Bang was quite possibly one of the biggest scandals the nation had seen since Malcolm Merlyn's Undertaking.  There was a mad scientist - Dr. Nathan Flack who now went by the alias Dr. Nemo - who'd discovered and quite possibly intentionally exposed himself to the dequantified plasma, gaining what were possibly the powers of invisibility (no one was quite sure yet what his powers were).  Then there was a network of corruption starting in the police department and branching all the way up through the government until it reached the city Mayor herself, all of which reeked of the stench of racism and - not unlike with Merlyn - a willingness to commit what was basically genocide.

Cisco was proud of her and Hartley for putting it all together.  They made a pretty good investigative team, really.

* * *

"Hi, um, I'm Rich... err, Gear.  I'm Gear.  Pied Piper gave me this number.  For emergencies."

"This is Vibe," Cisco replied, already tracing the call in case he needed to breach to wherever Gear was.  "What's the emergency?  Do you or Static need backup?"

"Holy shit you're Vibe... I'm talking to Vibe, that is so cool... I mean, yes.  We need backup.  Just... not yet?  Tonight.  Static found Dr. Nemo's lair, but my stuff isn't ready so I can't back him up myself and I didn't know how to get a hold of Piper directly, so..."  Gear laughed, a slightly hysterical noise that Cisco thought was probably just manic from fanboying a little.  Hopefully just that, anyway.

"What can you tell me about Dr. Nemo's powers?  From what Piper's found it seems like some sort of invisibility?"

"Oh, no, he displaces himself from this dimension.  You know, like on that old sci-fi show _Stargate_?"

 _Stargate_ was not that old, but Cisco wasn't going to argue that with the kid.  Hartley was right; they were practically babies.  "Yeah, I'm familiar with the show."

"Right, well, it's like that episode where there was an entire Jaffa village out of sync with the normal dimension.  They could interact with some physical objects, depending on the objects density and such, but pass through other stuff as the plot demanded.  Dr. Nemo is like that.  He... we're pretty sure he beat a guy to death in broad daylight not long after he got these powers.  Just for the hell of it; the people watching had no idea what was going on; just reading about it was pretty awful.  Anyway, I've developed a device that should force Dr. Nemo to stay in our dimension.  But I'm not a hundred percent confident in it because I'm kinda new to being a super genius.  Before the whole Big Bang thing I was a solid C student and now I think my teachers think I'm cheating to get perfect scores all the time, and I guess I kinda am?  I mean, is it cheating if my meta power is a high IQ?"

"It's not cheating," Cisco replied, trying not to laugh.  "So, I may be a super hero vigilante, but I'm also a mechanical engineer.  If you want, I can come by and check out your dimensional shifter?"

"Ooooh, Dimensional Shifter.  That is a good name, I like it."  Gear hesitated a moment and then said, "yes, I would.  Um, Static and I have a hangout in an abandoned building at Plano and Herring; it used to be one of those MRI clinics - the ones that do just MRIs and CAT scans and nothing else - but they shut down years ago and no one ever bought the place.  Technically not really legal for us to use it, I know, but..."

"That's fine.  Just... call me when you're there and ready for me to show up and I can use the GPS on your phone for breach coordinates."

"Breach coordinates?"  Gear echoed in confusion.

"I can create a intra-dimensional from where I am to where you are and then just walk through."

"Oh that is so cool."  There was a pause and then, "I'm trying to create a multi-tool backpack-slash-rocket pack with a limited AI.  I don't suppose you'd have any pointers for me on that?"

"I'll see what I can do."

* * *

"And that is how Hartley and I adopted baby superheroes," Cisco finished explaining.

"What he means is 'and this is how Hartley and I neglected to invite you and Frost to the big boss battle with Dr. Nemo'."  Wally grumbled, pouting.

Frost rolled her eyes.  "The fight sounded boring.  They showed up, turned on the Dimensional Shifter and Hartley slapped some anti-meta cuffs on Nemo while Cisco and Static held off Nemo's two minions.  There wouldn't have been anyone there for us to fight and someone would have been left standing around checking their nails and looking bored.  Of course, I'd have just frozen everyone's legs to the ground or whatever."  She inspected her own nails and then twisted her lips.  "Caitlin needs to take better care of her fingers.  I'm going to go hit the nail spa, get my hands and feet beautified."  Pulling out Caitlin's phone, she called - presumably - Iris.  "Hey, do you want to do a girl's self-care day?  Caitlin's nail polish is all chipped, its terrible and needs to be fixed pronto."

Wally waited until Frost was gone.  Then he asked, "how is it that she can be talking about getting her nails done but yet she's still terrifying?"

"That's all women, Wally.  All women can talk about getting their nails done and be terrifying at the same time.  Even ladies who don't usually get their nails done can pull it off."  Cisco patted his shoulder.

"I'm still annoyed you and Hartley left me out of the Dakota City fun."

"Don't you have class right now?"

Wally glanced at his watch.  "Oh, shit, I'm gonna be late."  And then he was gone.

"What is it about speedsters always being late?" Cisco muttered.

* * *

"So, as much as I grew to hate being asked this question... are you okay, Hart?"

Hartley grimaced and flopped onto the couch.  "I don't know.  I've felt like I've been all over the place all day today and on edge all week and..." he ran his hands through his hair in frustration.  "Ugh, I feel like such a mess and I hate this."

Cautiously, Cisco offered, "do you think maybe its your anxiety?  Maybe your meds aren't working quite as well as they were?"

"I don't think so..."  Hartley paused a beat and then closed his eyes, rubbing his hands over his face and curling up on his side.  "No.  Shit.  You're right.  Dammit, how did I miss this?"

Walking over, Cisco made Hartley budge over until he was laying across the couch with his head in Cisco's lap.  "Because you were used to it and so it seemed normal and not awful, but then your medication made that constant feeling of anxiety go away and now that its back it feels worse because you know what its like to be without it again?"

"That sounds like Dr. Andrea's advice right there."

"Yeah, it kinda is.  It's something she said about my feelings of depression.  Not exactly the same thing, because different circumstances, but... she thinks I felt worse this time because I'd so recently moved on from being depressed over Dante's death and so the time in between wasn't really enough for me to really recover from it.  But it was enough to get used to being not depressed all the time.  So when I started feeling depressed all over again..."  Cisco started lightly massaging Hartley's temples, smiling as his boyfriend seemed to just melt into the touch.

"That feels nice," Hartley muttered, eyes fluttering shut.

"Call your therapist in the morning, get an appointment to discuss your meds."

"Will you stay tonight?"

"Of course."

* * *

"What if I don't like... what if I don't like penetrative sex?" Cisco asked it all in a rush, blushing hotly.

"Then you don't like it and we don't do it," Hartley replied.  "Not all guys like penetration.  It's not like that'll be a deal breaker.  I..." he trailed off a moment, eyes distant.  "I had a really bad first experience with it.  Like... I never wanted to try it again afterwards.  And the next guy I dated treated it like I... like I was a terrible person for not letting him fuck me and he dumped me because I kept telling him no.  Then, with Chip, I... I tried to force myself to let him and he stopped because he knew something was wrong by how tense I was.  He was afraid of hurting me, I was so tense.  And... he told me that there were a lot of ways we could have sex and setting boundaries so as not to have the kinds of sex I didn't like was important to protect both of us from hurting each other.

"Eventually I did have Chip try it again, though.  Because... I, um, I liked certain..." Hartley blushed just as brightly as Cisco had.  "I really liked being fingered.  I love it, actually, it's..." he shifted in his seat.  "It's really intense.  Anyway.  I figured out that I really, really enjoy being on the receiving end of penetrative sex.  At least, when its done right, I enjoy it.  But it was really validating to know that I didn't have to.  And... I want you to know that.  You don't have to try it if you don't want to.  And if you do try and don't like it, then we never do it again.  There are lots of ways to have sex or be intimate and... I don't ever want you to feel pressured into doing things you're not sure about."

"I think I want to try it, eventually.  But... yeah, that's... thank you.  For sharing that."  Cisco brushed a kiss against Hartley's cheek and slotted their hands and fingers together.  "It's been a worry.  I mean... I guess I already knew that if it was a boundary for me, you'd respect that, but..."

"Sometimes you need to hear it said out loud," Hartley filled in.

"Yeah.  That."  Of course, now Cisco couldn't get the idea of fingering Hartley out of his head.  "Can we make out now?  I really want to make out now."

Hartley responded with a kiss.

* * *

This time when the machine turned on and connected to the Speed Force, one very naked, bearded Barry Allen dropped unconscious on the ground of Ferris Air.

Luckily, they had a spare pair of sweats to dress him in.

* * *

Barry's first words when he woke up (Lady Gaga playing in the background, which Cisco insisted was important) was "is this real?"

Apparently the Speed Force had been screwing with Barry's head, creating realistic scenarios in an attempt to keep Barry happy, occupied, and not scrawling all over the walls in a dis-associative state brought on by being alone for a very long time.  Unfortunately, this had Barry doubting reality was, in fact, reality.

But then Barry caught sight of Cisco's wristband.

"Red for he/him, black for they/them," Barry muttered, fingers reaching out a moment to brush along the band and Cisco's wrist before jerking away.  "Sorry, I should have asked first."

"It's fine," Cisco told him.  "How did you know that, though?"

"Because you told me.  Future you.  In the bad future.  We averted that, though... right?  Iris is..."

"I'm right here, sweetheart," Iris called from the doorway, walking in and placing a kiss on Barry's forehead.  "We averted that future, but some of the good things from it stuck.  Like Cisco's way of communicating his pronouns."

"Hartley and I are dating now; were we dating in that other future?"  Cisco asked, genuinely curious.

"You two were married," Barry replied absently.

Cisco's stomach swooped - good swooped, like that moment when he first realized he loved roller coasters - at the idea of one day being married to Hartley.  "Married sounds nice."

Barry blanched and folded his arms over his chest, hunching down a little.  "I shouldn't have said that."

"It's okay, Barry."

Hartley poked his head in.  "I need to head back home if I'm going to be awake at work tomorrow.  Cisco, would you..."

"Right.  Be right back."  He followed Hartley out into the cortex, kissed him, and opened a breach to Hartley's apartment.  "Do you want to come back here right after work tomorrow?"

"Yeah.  I want to talk to Barry about seeing a therapist.  Before the Speed Force ate him, he'd agreed he ought to see someone after Savitar was dealt with.  Seems even more important now that he's having problems telling what's real and what isn't."  He paused a beat and then added, "I should have probably brought that up with Iris at some point already, but... ugh, I'll deal with it all tomorrow."

"I'll talk to Iris about getting Barry into therapy," Cisco promised and kissed Hartley again.  "Good night."

"Good night."

* * *

Iris thought therapy was a great idea.  For Barry... but also maybe for herself.

"He's back and I want to be happy, Cisco.  I am happy.  But... I'm so furious at him too because he left me.  I know its not fair of me - it's not like he wanted to go and he was trying to save lives - but... he left me.  He left me and now he's back and... I don't know how to help him when I feel so angry all the time."

Cisco pulled Iris into a hug and let her cry on his shoulder.  Honestly, at this point the team needed a full time therapist.  Their very own Deanna Troi.

Idly, Cisco wondered if there was an Earth where Dr. Wells was a psychologist.  And then Cisco decided that was a terrible idea and if that Earth existed Cisco would very casually ensure they never contacted it.

* * *

It turned out that Barry's job was indeed waiting for him.

If Captain Singh genuinely didn't know Barry was the Flash, then Cisco would eat his Vibe gauntlets.

* * *

Even though Barry was back, the Flash was most definitely not.  Barry just wasn't ready yet.  The first time he tried on the suit he had a massive panic attack.

But Barry was prepared enough to do a CSI's job, investigating gory scenes of murder and mayhem with a cheerful aplomb that Cisco envied, just a little.  Because, seriously, Cisco hated visiting grisly crime scenes when he did his thing as the CCPD's weird-meta-stuff consultant.  There was something about a bloody crime scene and a dead body, even when the body had already been sent to the morgue, that freaked Cisco out a little.

However, in the course of reporting on illegal gun trade in the city, Iris was cornered and called Barry instead of STAR Labs out of habit.

Barry's return as the Flash happened then and there.  Without stopping to think about it, he put on the suit and ran to Iris' rescue.

It wasn't a cure all and Barry still needed Wally and Cisco to do most of the vigilante work in Central City, but... it was a step forward to getting back to something Barry had genuinely enjoyed, at least when super villains weren't involved.  (And if Cisco suspected that Iris might have exaggerated the danger she was in to give Barry the kick he needed to embrace being a speedster again, well... he wasn't going to ask.)

* * *

Therapy definitely helped Barry and Iris.

Cisco nearly walked in on Barry re-proposing to Iris in the cortex one day.  He hid to one side of the doorway and nearly squealed with delight when he heard her tell Barry 'yes'.

* * *

"You realize, of course, I'm waiting for some major showdown come May now that Barry's back, right?"  Hartley propped his feet up.  "It's traditional at this point.  It's like _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ where the end of the school year was always marked by an epic showdown of Scoobies versus the Big Bad.  Or in _Harry Potter_ where Voldemort always lets Harry get one more year of schooling completed before trying to kill him again.  There's just something about spring that invites big villain showdowns."

"I want to argue, but you're not wrong."  Cisco frowned thoughtfully.  "Final showdown with Evil Wells... spring.  Final showdown with Zoom... spring.  Savitar... also spring.  Does Nemo count for this list?  That was in the spring, but not in Central City.  Since Barry's still semi-retired, do you think we'll get a speedster villain this year?  Sometimes it feels like evil speedsters are attracted to Central City like there's the... speedster version of catnip here."

Hartley snickered for a moment, then grew contemplative.  "Okay, so here's something you never, ever, ever tell Barry."

"Oooh, what?"

"So... Harrison.  He and I dated, but it wasn't romantic.  Chip and I didn't end well and I felt pretty burned out from romance, thus when Harrison offered what was basically an exclusive friends with benefits relationship... I said yes.  I asked if there was a possibility of a romantic relationship down the line, more to know what his boundaries were than because I wanted romance from him.  Harrison said that he was too hung up on someone else and that he'd have to get over them for things to ever turn romantic with me, so it wasn't likely.  At the time, I assumed he meant he was still in love with his dead fiance and no one had ever gotten him over her so I wasn't likely to be that special."

"But she wasn't his fiance."

"Exactly."

"Oh."  Cisco's eyes widened.  "Oh, you think he meant Barry."

"I think he meant Barry.  Which is why we never tell him this.  Because bad enough that Barry knows Eobard Thawne murdered his mom and stalked him from childhood to adulthood all because of some grudge match against an alternate timeline version of himself.  No reason to tell him that Eobard was a stalker with a crush on top of all that."

"I really hope Zoom didn't have a crush on Barry too."

"Well, Zoom did sort of try to Darth Vader him.  Sort of."

"Barry is evil speedster catnip."

"We never, ever tell him this."

"Agreed."

* * *

"Frost was disappointed to learn that _Exploding Kittens_ does not include real explosions," Caitlin told Barry as Cisco dealt the cards.

"Was she expecting actual exploding cats?"  Barry's eyes were a little wide; he was still getting used to how... casual everyone had started being about Caitlin's alter ego.

"Oh, no, she didn't want any kittens harmed," Caitlin assured him.  "Just explosions."

"I still think we should pit her against Hartley in a _Cards Against Humanity_ game," Cisco interjected.  "It'd be hilarious and educational."

"And end with them either trying to kill each other or banding together out of a mutual appreciation for sarcasm and annoying the hell out of everyone who isn't one of them."  Caitlin shook her head.  "Just... no."

"Speaking of Hartley, he promised to send me a new book to read..."

"Ah, right, almost forgot," Cisco dragged his work bag over and pawed through it for a minute before handing over what felt like a brick with pages labeled _Otherland: City of Golden Shadow_.  "He was describing it to me this morning and it sounds trippy, so I might just have to read it when your done."

* * *

Hartley put a hand over Cisco's wrist and gave him a fondly exasperated look.

"I'm snapping again."

"Yep."

"You're probably wondering why."

"Naturally."

"I... I want to introduce you to my parents.  They expect me to be there for Thanksgiving dinner and... I would like you to come too.  If that's okay with you.  I mean," Cisco flushed, "its fine if you don't.  I know Thanksgiving is on your birthday this year and my parents don't know I'm bi yet which means that if they freak out... you don't need to go through that if you don't want to.  Especially not on your birthday."  He was talking pretty fast at this point.

"Cisco..."

"I'm not telling them I'm genderfluid yet.  That's... papá won't take that well.  Mamá might, but... I don't want to pack that into the same night as telling them I'm not straight and possibly introducing them to you and..." Cisco trailed off as Hartley leaned their foreheads together.

"Breathe, okay?"  Which Cisco didn't respond, Hartley murmured, "Cisquito, mi cielo, respira profundo, ¿vale?"

"Siento haber entrado en pánico allí."  Cisco replied, breathing easier as Hartley rubbed his back and shoulders.

"I'm supposed to be the one who has the panic attacks," Hartley teased, after they sat there quietly for a little while.

"I'd rather neither of us had them," Cisco muttered, melting into Hartley's arms and moving to rest his head against Hartley's shoulder.  "Today's been awful impostor syndrome-wise about my gender.  Then mamá called this afternoon to remind me that I'm expected for dinner Thanksgiving.  And... the last time I talked to my parents I was right before I broke up with Cynthia."  He felt Hartley tense a little, so Cisco sat up in order to meet his eyes.  "So it's been a while since I last spoke to them and I felt guilty about that.  And I didn't want to come out over the phone so even though I told her things didn't work out with Cynthia and I'm dating you now... I wasn't..."

"You used they/them and gendered me as little as possible?"  Hartley sighed.  "I'm not exactly thrilled but I do get it.  I haven't talked to my parents about you yet either.  They're... I've reconciled with them some, but I'm not sure that they're actually okay with me being gay and haven't deluded themselves into thinking that it's all fine so long as I'm single.  Like if I'm not dating anyone then my gayness is like Schrodinger's cat.  They're also shitty about anything to do with trans and non-binary gender identities.  So it'll be a long time before I'm even slightly okay with you being anywhere near them because I don't want to put you in the middle of all that."

"I'm very much okay with waiting.  I think I really hate your parents just for how much they've hurt you over the years, so for now its definitely better I don't have a chance to tell them they're utter assholes.  But as for my parents..."  Cisco took Hartley's hands in his own.  "I'm not ashamed of dating you.  Whether you come with me or not, I'm telling them I'm bi and I'm telling them that my boyfriend is the smartest, funniest, hottest guy I know."

"I love you."  Hartley flushed and Cisco wasn't sure whether Hartley had meant to say those words or if they'd just slipped out unexpectedly.  "You don't... you don't have to say it back.  It's fine.  I..."

"I love you too."  He did.  He really, really did.

Hartley grinned, relaxing his posture and pecking Cisco on the cheek.  "I want to spend my birthday with you.  And if that means meeting your parents and possibly earning their ire for 'turning their son queer'," and Cisco could practically hear the scare quotes in Hartley's tone, "then so be it.  However things may turn out, we'll spend Friday together avoiding shopping crowds, wearing pajamas, and watching Netflix all day."

"Can we skip Thursday and go straight to Friday?" Cisco asked, expression rueful.

"Sadly, no."  Hartley's smile turned sly.  "But if you stay the night at my apartment Wednesday evening, then maybe Thursday morning we can do something a lot more fun than watch the parade."

* * *

"I can wait in the car if you'd rather tell them first," Hartley said when Cisco made no move to open the door after turning off the gas.

"No.  No, I just..." Cisco fiddled with the wristband.  "I... sometimes I can't tell what gender I'm feeling.  Sometimes it's a strong feeling and it's so obvious what pronouns I want.  Sometimes it's not obvious at all or I won't even realize until after its over that I was feeling non-gendered and didn't flip this over.  And then sometimes I don't know, I don't really feel more one than the other, and somehow its paralyzing not knowing what pronouns to use or if it even really matters which pronouns get used just then.  That's when I feel the most like a fake and I don't... I don't know why I'm freaking out about this.  It's not like if my wristband is black side up they'll know the significance."

"I'll know.  Even if I can't acknowledge it while we're in there, you'll know that every time you get misgendered I'm mentally correcting everyone.  Especially myself."  Hartley took Cisco's hand in his own and dropped a kiss just above the red wristband.  "And you don't have to always just pick one set of pronouns to use.  If sometimes it feels like both are fine, then maybe what you need is a way to signal that too.  Even if its just a signal for yourself."

Cisco flushed and wished desperately to just drive home and hide in bed with Hartley.  But that was for tomorrow.  "You really are a genius," Cisco told him.  "I think right now, both are fine but they/them is just a little bit more right than he/him."  Flipping the wristband to black side up, Cisco nodded.  "Right, lets go."

Hartley took their hand again as they walked together up the walkway to the house.  He gave their hand a quick squeeze right before their other hand reached up to knock.

Cisco's father opened the door and started to smile at Cisco only to freeze at the sight of Hartley there too.  

"Hola papá, este es Hartley ... mi novio."  Cisco's voice didn't waver, not once, and they were just a little proud of that.

Hartley's thumb rubbed soothing circles on the back of Cisco's hand as he added, "es un placer conocerlo, Sr. Ramon," with a flawless accent.  Not a Puerto Rican accent, though, which Cisco's father might latch on to.  He'd disliked some of Dante's girlfriends for their accents, after all.  Admittedly, they'd all had crappy faux-Mexican accents from various high school Spanish courses, so... Cisco really ought to be paying attention as his father stood aside, expression ambivalent, and let them inside the house.

He did shake Hartley's hand first, after they'd both exchanged a few more tense pleasantries in Spanish, so that was a good sign.  Right?

"Madre, tu hijo está aquí," Cisco's father called, summoning their mother from the kitchen.  "Trajo a su novio."

"Boyfriend..." she repeated in English, giving Cisco and Hartley a startled look.

"Mamá," Cisco said, and this time their voice cracked a little.  "This is Hartley Rathaway.  My boyfriend."

"His accent is passable," Cisco's father muttered begrudgingly.

"It's lovely to meet you, Hartley," Cisco's mother declared, swatting her husband on the shoulder.  Then she hurried over, sweeping first Cisco then Hartley into hugs.

Something in Cisco's chest eased a little.  Maybe this wouldn't be awful after all.

* * *

"I don't think your dad likes me much," Hartley said, once they were on the road back to Cisco's apartment.  "But he doesn't hate me either.  Your mom seemed to like me, though."

"Mamá adored you from the moment you offered to help her in the kitchen," Cisco assured him.  "I haven't brought anyone home to meet them since my second year of college and neither Irene nor any of Dante's girlfriends bothered to spend any time with her unless I was there too.  Papá has a thing about Dante and I only dating people who either already have a good accent or are putting effort into improving a bad one, preferably working towards sounding Puerto Rican."

"They were nice, Cisco.  They took you being bi pretty well too."

Which... they had, much to Cisco's pleasant surprise.  Papá had immediately assumed Cisco meant they were gay but had taken being corrected with a nod and apology.  Mamá... had apparently suspected Cisco might be a little attracted to men since high school which Cisco had taken to mean she'd noticed their massive crush on Rick.

"I'm still scared of what they'll think about everything else I am."  Cisco smiled as Hartley touched their shoulder, giving a quick squeeze before letting go.  "It'll probably be a long, long while before I'm ready to tell them that sometimes my pronouns change.  But I'm really, really glad they accepted you in my life."

"Me too."  Hartley yawned and sank down in his seat.  "Your mother's cooking is amazing.  Do you think she'd let me have some of her recipes?"

"Come along for Christmas and I can probably get her to gift you my favorites."

"I approve of the implied sneakiness of getting me to cook your favorite foods for you," Hartley said and then yawned again.  "I'm so tired..."

"Go on and nap.  I'll wake you when we get there.  Can you sleep with the radio on?"

"Mmmhmm," was the barely awake affirmative.

Cisco laughed softly and then reached over to flip on some Christmas tunes.

* * *

Hartley had just pulled off Cisco's shirt and was kissing along Cisco's neck, hands headed towards Cisco's pants, when somebody pounded at Hartley's door.

"Maybe they'll go away?" he hoped breathlessly.

There was more pounding.

"Or not," Cisco sighed, grabbing his shirt and shoving it back on while Hartley got up and grabbed his own discarded shirt, pulling it back on right before he opened the front door.

"Hartley!  Er... hi?"  Richie, AKA Gear, stood in the doorway, perkiness quailing under Hartley's glower.

"Hey, Richie," Cisco called from the couch.

"Oh, hey, Cisco.  I... I was interrupting, wasn't I?  I'm sorry, I'll just go..." Richie was cut off by Hartley grabbing the kid's arm and hauling him into the apartment.

"What is it, kiddo?" Hartley demanded as he shut the door.  "You wouldn't come here if it weren't important."

"I told my parents I'm a meta and they kind of... freaked out."

"Freaked out how?"  Hartley half circled Richie, looking him over carefully.  "They didn't hurt you, did they?"

"What?  No!  No, not that kind of freaking out."  Now Richie's eyes were wide with shock.  "That... that happens to other meta kids?"

Hartley shrugged.  "Bad parents will use any excuse to be bad parents.  Mine disowned me for being gay, for example.  And physical harm is only the most obvious type of abuse, so... are you okay, Richie?"

"Yeah, I... I..." Richie took a shaky breath.  "I don't know.  They... my teachers had this conference with them today.  Afterwards they... they accused me of cheating for the umpteenth time, but this time it wasn't just my teachers.  It was my parents.  And I... I joked about how maybe all the q-juice in the air from the Big Bang must've made me a genius.  But it fell flat.  Because of course it did, it wasn't funny.  My dad is always saying metas are unnatural and mom calls them freaks and now they know I am one.  When they realized I was telling the truth... I ran.  I grabbed my backpack and I ran until I found a bus I could get on.  I had my bus pass with me and I just... I switched buses a few times and then I was lost on the wrong side of the city, but... not that far from here.  So... hi."

"I'm glad you came here," Hartley told him.

"Even though I totally just interrupted you two necking on the couch?"

"Even though," Hartley echoed in reply.  "I'm going to make tea."

Cisco got up and guided Richie over to sit on the couch.  "Hartley thinks tea can fix anything.  It's his English heritage shining through."

"Cisco."  Hartley waited until his boyfriend was looking at him and then stuck out his tongue at him.

Richie snickered.  "You two are adorable.  I want a boyfriend I can be this adorable with one day."

Once the kettle was on the stove, Hartley joined them in the living area, settling next to Cisco on the armrest.  "Alright, Richie, how do you want to handle this?"

"What... what do you mean?"

"Do you feel safe around your parents?"

Richie swallowed nervously, but nodded.  "They'd never physically harm me and... they stopped saying a lot of homophobic shit when I came out to them this summer, so... maybe that'll happen again.  Maybe now that they know, they'll... stop saying prejudiced things about metas around me."

Hartley nodded.  "Okay, that's good to hear.  But, just so you know, if you need a night away from there and Virgil's home isn't available to you for whatever reason, my couch is always open to you."

"Thanks."

"I also think you should bring your parents to the Freespace meta clinics.  There's some support groups for parents whose kids are metas that they'd benefit from.  More importantly, them getting help overcoming their prejudices would benefit you.  And when you're ready to go back home - be it tonight or tomorrow morning or whenever - I'd like to go with you and talk to your parents with you about all of this.  Not your teachers though.  I might very well strangle them.  Or use my Piper gloves and I've made promises about not using those on non-combatants."

"I think we'd all give you a pass this time," Cisco muttered.  He did not like Richie's teachers.

"Do not tempt me."  Hartley sighed and then said, "how are your parents likely going to react to you running away?"

"They, uh... they'll probably assume I went to Virgil's and... probably freak out Virge when they contact his dad and learn I'm not there."  Richie started pawing through the backpack he'd dropped by the couch.  He surfaced with a cell phone and proceeded to shoot off a text, presumably to Virgil.  "What if they tell Mr. Hawkins I'm a meta?  He hasn't exactly been pro-meta either..."

"Call your parents, Richie.  Let them know you're safe at the very least."

"Whatever happens, whatever you choose to do, we've got your back, okay?" Cisco added, patting the kid's knee.

Richie nodded fast.  "Thanks guys.  I..." he choked off, tearing up a little.

The kettle had started whistling, so Hartley got back up, ruffling Richie's hair as he walked past.  Hartley really would make a good dad one day.

"Take whatever time you need before you call," Cisco advised.  "Drink your tea first, get your thoughts together, decide if you want to go back tonight.  It's okay if it takes you a while."

This time Richie sniffled and ducked his head.  "I'm not gonna cry.  Really I'm not."

"We're not going to judge you if you do.  Last year was, like, the year of ugly crying jags for us, I swear."  Cisco stifled a laugh when that got him a sharp look of surprise from Richie.

"He's not wrong," Hartley agreed.  "A friend of ours died last spring.  It's... taken a while to get over that.  You realize I'm going to have to make Christmas throw up all over the cortex this year in HR's honor, right?"  It had still been too soon the year before, with Barry still gone and HR's death still hanging heavily on them, but now...

Cisco laughed.  "I'll help.  We can make the Flash suit look like a Christmas tree again.  That was pretty hilarious."

"I want pictures of all that," Richie told them, little shuddering breaths evening out as the threat of tears abated which was, probably, what Hartley had intended by bringing up HR.

Even in death, HR was helping people remember how to smile.

"You got it, kiddo," Hartley promised, carefully making his way back to the couch with three mugs of tea.  "Three hazelnut cookie teas, sugar, no cream.  There's almond milk in the fridge, though, if you absolutely need to add creamer to it.  Though I'll call you a heathen if you do."

* * *

"How'd it go with Richie's parents?"

"They'll be coming to Freespace tomorrow, so I'll be putting in extra hours to be there for the kid," Hartley peeled off his shirt while Cisco watched from bed.  He'd woken up when Hartley got back, having dozed off sometime around eleven-thirty.  It was one-ten by now, however, and Hartley groaned as he noticed Cisco pointing at the clock.  "Later today then.  Tonight I assured them that Richie's DNA was stable and that if the only noteworthy change in Richie's behavior is the sudden good grades, then his brain is probably fine though CAT scans wouldn't go amiss, just to see what his brain activity looks like these days.  They were fairly contrite, so I'm satisfied Richie is safe for now.  Though it was fun seeing the looks on their faces when I told them I was a meta myself.  One of the Central City metas, no less.  Made them more receptive to the idea that metas could be normal, every day people, though.  Maybe now they'll stop with the victim blaming meta-phobia."

"You're good with those two kids."

"I'd like it better if they weren't under-aged vigilantes, but they're both seventeen, soon to be eighteen.  At that age we were already in college, living in dorms, and making adult decisions without our parents input."

"I know what you mean."  Cisco yawned.  "Come here, I want cuddles while I can get some."

Hartley shucked off his pants as well and pulled on some pajama pants and a holey Black Sabbath t-shirt.  "I'm going to brush my teeth first."  He did pad over to the bed first and press a kiss against Cisco's mouth.

Cisco hummed in appreciation and slid back against the pillows.  His eyes flickered shut and, for a moment, the world went blue.

_"Let's get married."_

_"What?"  Cisco turned around to see Hartley get down on one knee._

_"_ _We're planning on spending our lives together.  Have kids together.  We've already got the house... so let's make it official.  Get the tax breaks.  Have a wedding that isn't invaded by Earth-X Nazis."_

_"So romantic," Cisco drawled, but he grinned knowing that Hartley's flippancy came from nerves.  "I love you... let's do it." He felt giddy and laughed at the warmth bubbling up inside.  They'd been talking a lot lately about maybe getting married and it felt good to decide to just go for it.  "Let's get married."_

_Hartley hopped up and threw his arms around Cisco's shoulders.  "Is now a bad time to say I don't have any rings?  I've been ring shopping on the sly for weeks now and I'm indecisive and took way too long to realize that what I really wanted was for you to pick out the engagement rings with me."_

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Cisco turned, blinking away blue threads from his sight, and curled around Hartley as the other man clambered into bed.  "Just thinking about our future."

"Good thoughts, then?"

"Always.  The way you smile?  The future is bound to be bright."

Hartley snorted softly.  "Sap."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fanfiction can be very difficult to write with a cute dog parked next to me going 'look at me I want attention/food/to go outside/cuddles/playtime' all the time. Especially when said dog thinks that there is a subtle way to shove the laptop off my lap and that she is an expert at it. She is not subtle and her 'oops, did I do that?' expression needs work.
> 
> Leftover story notes:  
> * This basically picks up where the first chapter left off but I tried to be vague about the timeline of things. I'd say Cisco and Cynthia dated until sometime in January or February. Nobody really celebrated the holidays that year. In April Cisco started dating Hartley and nearly brought Barry back but didn't, which was especially hard on Iris because they were getting close to hitting the one year mark with Barry gone. Barry does get brought back in June or July and re-proposes to Iris around September. They decide on the long engagement because Barry's still having issues being certain reality is real. The story ends somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  
> * Since it's been forever since I last saw _Static Shock_ I did wiki research on the cause of the Big Bang and what was released during the gang fight that created the Bang Baby metas. Now I want to re watch that show because, much as I like Richie, Virgil is my fav and he didn't really show up here despite all the mentions.  
> * While working on the investigation of the causes behind the Big Bang, Iris spent a lot of time in Dakota City, camping out on Hartley's couch. The two of them wound up bonding over their shared outrage over what they were uncovering and now they're good friends. But since this was Cisco's story the whole investigation was more of a glossed over side note as he wasn't really a big part of it beyond anxiously waiting to see if Hartley'd need backup on occassion.  
> * With regards to Frost and her orientation, she actually isn't sure what she identifies as just that she doesn't think she's the same as Caitlin - so she might still be on the ace spectrum somewhere, she isn't sure yet. She's more teasing Cisco for the sake of teasing Cisco because, now that he's not scared of her all the time, it's fun. It's not uncommon for split personalities to be different genders or orientations from the 'main' personality, so hopefully it isn't too weird that Frost identifies differently from Caitlin. The biggest thing for Frost right now is that she doesn't have to be just like Caitlin to be accepted by Team Flash.  
> * I deliberately chose not to portray any of Cisco's therapy visits. I don't know enough about psychology or what its like to be in therapy to make it believable and after the show semi played therapy for laughs in season 4, I'd rather leave it as a private thing for Cisco then botch it. Also this chapter was long enough without including those scenes.  
> * Barry and Iris' wedding was still invaded by Nazis - this turns out to be the major boss battle in the spring Hartley was worried might happen. Professor Stein didn't die, however, because who would ever think it was a good idea to kill off a Jewish character in a story arc about literal Nazis from a parallel Earth? (Why yes, I'm still salty about this.)  
> * Eventually they do run into Cynthia again. It's awkward at first and brings up some jealousy issues for Hartley, but everything works out fine. Cisco and Cynthia are able to be friends and Hartley learns better coping methods for some of his insecurities.  
> * Hartley did indeed get the recipes to Cisco's favorite foods from Cisco's mom for Christmas. He then spent all of January cooking for Cisco.  
> * Cisco's dad's thing with accents: if they're not willing to learn to speak Spanish, and speak it well, then that's a big part of Cisco and Dante's family and heritage that person is willing to be disconnected from. Basically, he sees it as a sign of disrespect towards his sons. He actually likes Hartley a lot, but it takes a while for him to admit it.  
> * Cisco's parents do accept him as genderfluid when he finally comes out to them about it. It's difficult and Cisco is right about his mom being more accepting than his dad, but they're both proud of him for telling them and are respectful of his pronouns even though they don't totally understand why Cisco feels this way. Understanding isn't necessary to be respectful, after all, and... being respectful has always seemed more important than understanding, to me anyway.


End file.
